Weekend Preview: Barbarians, Four Dimensions, Remakes

The weekend preview is coming a little early this week, because I want to start drinking okay? Anyways, on deck this weekend we have not one, but two remakes of 80s movies, along with Robert Rodriguez discovering the 4th dimension (spoiler: it’s smell).

Film

Fright Night: A remake of the campy 80s horror flick featuring Colin Farrell as a vampire terrorizing some kid’s neighborhood.

Rotten Tomatoes: 75%

Uninformed Commentary: This doesn’t look half bad, but rather than debate its merits I would just like to point out that there is an actress named Imogen Poots in the movie. Her life would suck if she wasn’t attractive.

Conan the Barbarian: Another re-make, this time of the crappy movie that gave Arnold Schwarzenegger his first major film role. This time the star is Jason Momoa, best known for playing Khal Drogo on Game of Thrones.

Rotten Tomatoes: 26%

Uninformed Commentary: Yeah 25% sounds about right. Fun fact, Arnold had like five speaking lines in the original movie, which also sucked. Here are some gratuitous review quotes because I’m too lazy to say something clever:

Momoa … speaks in one of those trying-too-hard baritones heard in young jocks whose greatest fear is being called gay. – John Defore, Washington Post

That’s a little below the belt there, dude.

Don’t be conned by this Conan. – JeffreyM. Anderson, Combustible Celluloid

Pun intended!

So calamitously unprofessional it’s as if half-minded vagrants found a dinged-up camera next to a few hundred bucks on the street, pulled together a cast of needy, out-of-work actors, and went to town. – Dustin Putnam, DustinPutnam.com

Yeah, there’s the money shot.

Spy Kids 4d: There have been four Spy Kids movies. Just chew that over for a moment.

Rotten Tomatoes: 15% (audience 66% proving once again that people are stupid)

Uninformed Commentary: Robert Rodriguez has revolutionized movie-going by handing out scratch and sniff cards at the door. Also, the fourth dimension is smell, which is 100% confirmed by science. I think it’s Newton’s third law or something. Remember how we respected Dutin Putnam about a second ago?

Let’s make things clear right now: Spy Kids: All the Time in the World is juvenile, rough around the edges, and frequently clumsy. And yet…and yet…the film is so likably innocuous and unsuspectingly wise that it works better than it should.

-Dustin Putnam, Dustinputnam.com

That is the only positive review on Rotten Tomatoes.

Television

Here’s my weekly instruction to watch Breaking Bad already. This time with video:

Sports

I’m already bored with preseason football wake me up when the real stuff starts. No interesting baseball games either.

 

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Posted on August 19, 2011, in Baseball, Crappy Movies, NFL, Quality Programming, Weekend Preview and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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