Gregg Easterbrook: Not Paying Crappy Players Makes the Buffalo Bills Cheap

This Man Knows Everything

Say, bored person on the internet, do you like football, but prefer your analysis provide as little insight as possible? Do you like stupid nicknames for every team? Do you like being preached to in a belittling tone? Do you like random tangents that have nothing to do with the stated purpose of a column? And above all, do you hate any column shorter than 9000 words? Well then you must love Greggggg Easterbrook, writer of’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback.

In many ways, Easterbrook is like Sports Illustrated‘s Peter King. Whereas King is an out of touch upper middle class buffoon who has apparently forgotten how o be a reporter, Easterbrook is all of those things plus a condescending prick. So what’s on tap this week from Gregg? A full AFC preview! Some stuff about how Al Gore is a liar! Read on! (note: I’ve chosen only to highlight only the really stupid parts since I don’t have the five hours it would take to comment on all 18,000 words) :

Buffalo, 11 consecutive years out of the playoffs, just traded one of its few established performers, Lee Evans, to the Ravens for a middling draft pick. Unloading Evans and replacing him with a minimum-salary young player cuts the Bills’ costs by about $3 million this season, which is more than profits would rise if every seat were sold. Trading Evans makes a winning season less likely, but the odds of a profitable season go up — and a built-in excuse is created. How long until a Buffalo team official says, “We knew we’d have an off year when we lost Lee Evans,” as if he had been swept from the practice field by helicopter-borne commandos, rather than deliberately traded away.

Never? The only thing that Lee Evans is established at is being mediocre and killing my fantasy team two years in a row. He didn’t even break 600 receiving yards last year. The Bills aren’t going to contend this year anyway and a 4th round pick next year is arguably more valuable to them than Evans would be this year. But go ahead and use him to make your argument that the Bills are cheap. Care to explain 4-years and $15MM for Brad Smith who isn’t even a #2 receiver?

For Buffalo, this is a recent pattern. Just before the 2009 season began, the Bills waived their starting left tackle, Langston Walker, and the team’s highest-paid offensive player. Two games into the 2010 season, the Bills waived their starting quarterback, Trent Edwards, their second-highest-paid offensive player. Both actions increased profits while setting up an excuse for a losing season.

Or both those players sucked, making them a waste of money. There’s a difference between being cheap and trying to be efficient.

Maybe the explanation is simple: The Steelers are better than the Ravens. But the Hypocycloids also seem to be in the Nevermores’ heads, which is vexing, owing to Baltimore’s rep as a tough-guy team.

Our first stupid nickname sighting of the column! And I’ll go with the first explanation thank you.

For those three years, the Ravens’ offensive coordinator has been the canny, crafty, cagey Cam “Cam” Cameron, and he just hasn’t put together good game plans. Last season in the playoffs, Baltimore led Pittsburgh 21-7 and had possession of the ball in the third quarter. The Ravens’ next seven offensive snaps were a lost fumble, two sacks, an incompletion, 1 net yard rushing and a punt, swinging the momentum to the Steelers. It was as if Pittsburgh knew the Ravens’ calls; TMQ blames a predictable game plan.

You could also blame Joe Flacco staring down Derrick Mason on every passing play.

Not only was this bad sportsmanship, but it was classless considering that in their previous meeting, at Kansas City in the playoffs, Baltimore had won big. Lack of class always comes back to haunt you — and now the Ravens enter the 2011 season as bad sports.

Lack of class doesn’t seem to have hurt the ’72 Dolphins, or any of the ’90s Cowboys teams. But just trust Gregg, this lack of sportsmanship is probably why the Ravens will never be able to beat the Steelers ever.

From 1987 to 2002, the Bills wore one of sports’ best looks, a uniform of red, white and American-flag blue. Wearing America’s colors, the Bills reached the Super Bowl four times and the playoffs six other times — 10 of 16 seasons in that uniform were playoff years. So Buffalo got rid of the uniform associated with success; it violated the Bills’ marketing plan!

It was all the uniforms! Go back to your old uniforms Buffalo and you’ll be bale to lose another four Super Bowls in a row before your team moves to Toronto.

Making a great show of discussing how bad the previous regime’s high draft pick was creates an excuse for Gailey and Nix to present a losing team in 2011 — “What did you expect, when the guys who came before us blew the team’s 2009 first-round pick?” Since arriving a year ago, Nix has waived, traded or let go four recent first-round draft choices (Maybin, Evans, Marshawn Lynch and Donte Whitner), cutting costs while shifting blame backward to the previous coach and general manager.

Again, none of those players were good (except Whitner). Jesus, that is list of terrible picks.

Christmas Creep: Reader Al Caniglia of Belmopan, Belize, reports double creep: “On April 11, 2011, The New York Times ran an ad for the Radio City Music Hall Christmas spectacular. Not only was a Christmas show being advertised before Easter, the show opens before Thanksgiving.”

NOT FOOTBALL RELATED IN ANY WAY. Does anyone actually enjoy reading Easterbrook’s stupid stuff about “Christmas Creep” get over it already, the rest of us have.

Before 2011, seven of the Broncos’ previous 10 first-round choices were offensive players. Of the three defenders chosen high, one (Jarvis Moss) was a bust, one (D.J. Williams) has played well but often has been in trouble and one (Robert Ayers) has yet to distinguish himself.

But the real issue is instability at defensive coordinator. Dennis Allen, the new guy, is Denver’s sixth defensive coordinator in as many seasons.

The defensive players they draft all suck, but I think the real problem here is that they keep switching coordinators! Or maybe the players suck so much that they can’t play well enough to justify keeping on the coordinators?

He’s an incredible athlete, very muscular for a quarterback — your columnist stood next to Quinn a couple of years ago when the QB was wearing a sleeveless workout top, and the gentleman is ripped. Rolling these considerations together, why doesn’t Quinn give up on quarterbacking and become a tight end or H-back?

Your columnist got a boner standing next to Brady Quinn and admiring his beautiful triceps. Yes, why doesn’t Brady Quinn become a tight end or H-back where he would have to block linebackers and get hit after catching passes? Being paid big bucks to sit on a bench forever, have a 15-year career and leave football a functioning human being is totally overrated.

Note: In a year, these arguments might also apply to Tim Tebow.

Actually, they applied to Tebow before he was drafted.

The Texans have a chairman and CEO, two vice chairmen, a general manager, a president, three senior vice presidents, three senior directors and 14 directors — resulting in a franchise lifetime record of 55-89.

These things are correlated! But I will never demonstrate how, you’ll just have to figure it out on your own.

Plus “Wade Phillips” is a fabulous Texas football name, almost as good as “Colt McCoy,” who is no longer in Texas.

Cowboys fans would disagree. Ooo here comes 500 words about Friday Night Lights!

Indianapolis is 150-77 with one Lombardi trophy since Manning arrived, and if the Colts reach the 2011 postseason, they will become the first NFL team to make the playoffs for 10 consecutive years. That would be awesome.

It would suck, because all the fat ass Colts fans would never shut up about it.

Defensive coordinator Ron Meeks and offensive coordinator Tom Moore have departed, as has offensive line coach Howard Mudd. Meeks was fired; Moore and Mudd supposedly retired but now are working for the Jets and Eagles, respectively. This is more change than the mild-mannered Colts’ model calls for.

Tom Moore and Howard Mudd are like 1000 years old. Moore will be working from home for the Jets by the way, but let’s continue to insinuate that they were fired.

Thus for a Miss USA winner to call marijuana “OK” suggests public acceptance of marijuana legalization might be in the cards. There’s no doubt that if marijuana were legal, some people would abuse it, just as some abuse alcohol. But if marijuana were legal, I believe street crime in the United States would decline as drug gangs lost their most popular product. Mexico’s drug-mafia plague also could drop sharply; the Mexican cartels derive more than 60 percent of their revenue from marijuana (according to the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy). One shouldn’t be a Pollyanna about marijuana legalization — problems would be caused. But there is a likelihood more problems would be solved. These kinds of arguments apply only to marijuana, whose public-health significance is similar to alcohol’s. Cocaine and other highly addictive drugs are illegal for good reason.

Wow, something I actually agree with!

 The South Florida Dolphins have been carpet-bombing their quarterback position with draft choices, using second-round selections to choose or trade for Chad Henne, Pat White, Daunte Culpepper, A.J. Feeley and John Beck. Yet the Miami quarterback position is far from settled. After selecting White, who’s now OOF — Out Of Football — Miami simply released Beck, not even trying to trade him. If Beck has a good season as the Redskins’ starter, the Dolphins will be embarrassed.

Thanks for that completely unnecessary acronym for out of football. But yeah, Miami sucks at finding quarterbacks.

But natural history does not contain any examples of runaway super-diseases.

Black Plague?

These are not isolated examples. None of Gore’s doomsday predictions about global warming have come true, although they might someday — surely he’s hoping!

Al Gore is the root of all evil! I didn’t post the entire segment, but basically the gist is that Al Gore is the world’s worst scaremonger.

How one can know “the truth” about something that hasn’t happened yet is anyone’s guess. Will Hansen’s predictions ever be reality-checked? Your columnist thinks greenhouse gases should be regulated — and this would be more likely to happen if doomsayers stopped making nutty predictions.

Wait a minute and you’ll see why I grabbed this.

Here’s the deal: The New England Patriots have not won a playoff game since Spygate broke. Bill Belichick continues to refuse to say, “I cheated and I apologize.” Until he does, the football gods will torment this team by allowing the Patriots to play very well during the regular season, then denying them in money time.

The supernatural seems like the most likely explanation to me too. Also, Spygate broke at the beginning of the 2007 season, the Patriots had to win two playoff games to get tot the Super Bowl, which they lost. WHY WILL NO ONE REALITY CHECK GREGG EASTERBROOK’S COLUMNS.

Who can explain Norv Turner? He is the sole double-digits NFL head coach –13 seasons running the Redskins, Raiders and Chargers — with a career losing record. Turner’s longevity is quite puzzling. Considering Marty Schottenheimer (205-139-1 career) and Jeff Fisher (147-126) are without NFL jobs, that Turner is firmly entrenched though 103-109-1 is hard to explain.

Let me take a shot at explaining this. His GM is AJ Smith, who just gave the imminently mediocre Eric Weddle a five-year $50MM contract, making him the second highest paid safety in the league despite not even being one of the 10 best at the position. That level of incompetence might have something to do with Norv still being around.

The Tennessee masthead would make the Pentagon blush. Owner Bud Adams has awarded himself the title founder/owner/chairman of the board/CEO. His assistant Steve Underwood has this amazing title. The Titans also boast two executive vice presidents, eight regular vice presidents and 19 people with “director” or “coordinator” or “manager” in their titles. Tennessee’s front office includes a man with the title “mascot coordinator” — for one mascot.

Based on this, I predict two wins! (The Titans do suck, but it has nothing to do with the number of people in their front office).


Posted on August 23, 2011, in Douchebags, FJM Style, NFL and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

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