Gregg Easterbrook Thinks Vince Young is the Future

Derp

When we last left ESPN’s resident Christian theologizer, Gregg Easterbrook, he was conclusively proving that the Bills are cheap because they cut crappy players like Trent Edwards, that Al Gore hopes that the world ends in 2012, and that no one reality checks anything, including his own columns.

So what idiocy will Greggggg spew this week? Well, there’s stuff about how practicing is bad, complaining about the Catwoman uniform, and a full NFC preview. Follow the carnage after the jump:

In other football news, everybody’s complaining about the NFL’s decision to move the kickoff spot from the 30 to the 35, in order to increase touchbacks — which should translate to fewer kicking-play injuries. Kicks soaring into the end zone are dullsville. But bear in mind — this is the preseason. Regular-season tactics have not begun yet.

Moving the kickoff spot to the 35 makes a surprise onside kick somewhat less risky. Now, a failed onside will give the opponent possession at about midfield, rather than in your own territory, as with a failed onside from the 30. The surprise onside kickoff is among football’s most exciting plays — remember New Orleans in Super Bowl XLIV? If onside kicks increase as a result of the new spot, complaints about touchbacks will be forgotten. See more on the new kicking rules below.

The NFL is a league in which teams employ coached like Lovie Smith, Norv Turner, and Jim Caldwell all of whom I’m pretty sure have no idea what an onside kick it. Making it more enticing doesn’t make it more likely. Can I reality check this later in the season Gregg??

Next week — as a season-start treat, there will be a TMQ-Mel Kiper collaboration. ESPN will do anything to catch your eye!

Jesus, that thing will be easily 50,000 words long. Kiper is the same guy who answers chat questions in paragraph form.

Maybe the fact that a pass-wacky team with no quarterback still managed to win five games in 2010 means hope is not lost for the Cardinals.

I’m not entirely sure what that sentence means. Also, the Cardinals had a QB last year, his name was Derek Anderson and he takes his job very seriously:

Here’s the reality check

Drop your knowledge all over me o wise Easterbrook:

Exiled Eagles quarterbacks A.J. Feeley and Donovan McNabb fared poorly once they left Andy Reid’s system. The Eagles have a thriving business in trading quarterbacks they don’t want, netting three second-round draft choices, a fourth-round choice and Rodgers-Cromartie for Feeley, McNabb and Kolb. The Dolphins and Redskins now wish they hadn’t made those deals. Will Arizona wish the same about the Kolb deal? At least Kolb is going from a pass-wacky system to a pass-wacky system, which was a factor in Arizona’s calculation.

Mostly right, but still partially wrong in the most Easterbrookian of ways. Kolb is theoretically in his prime, McNabb was aging and spent more time at the buffet than conditioning when he was traded. Also, the Redskins handled McNabb in the worst way possible, which I’m sure had nothing to do with him sucking. It was probably because of their uniforms.

Because of this, the Falcons should come into the new season angry. In fact, they should come in as Angry Birds.

Hurr hurr hurr

Atlanta is missing an obvious promotional tie-in by not planning to play one Sunday in an Angry Birds alternate uniform. In fact there could be two Falcons alternate looks — a black look based on the exploding bird (perhaps with exploding helmets) and a red look based on the basic bird.

With this level of comedy and insight who needs Louis CK. Or a marketing team.

Last week, an item listed the many actresses to spray on the catsuit of Catwoman.

Someone cover that strumpet up, she is offending the Jesus

Since Anne Hathaway is the next Catwoman, TMQ supposes she will say to Batman, “Then I was, like, ‘purrrrrrfect,’ you know?”

Anne Hathaway is sooooo ditzy, you know?

After using their second pick in 2010 on quarterback Jimmy Clausen, the Cats used the first overall choice of 2011 on Cam Newton. NFL Network analyst Mike Mayock called this “admitting a mistake.” But Newton wasn’t available in the prior draft. If a better player becomes available based on unknowable turns of events, why not choose him? Economic theory says that acting on the information available at the time is, on average, more efficient than attempting to guess the future. Based on what was known then, Carolina’s 2010 pick made sense.

Umm no. If Jimmy Clausen was any good they could have spent the first pick on a player actually deserving of it, like Marcel Dareus, instead they’re stuck with Newton who doesn’t know how to read a playbook, or add. In any case, the whole predicting the future argument doesn’t really apply here unless I’m missing something. Anyone who saw Jimmy Clausen in college knew that picking him would be a mistake.

Now that was admitting a mistake — the Peppers mistake.

They were both mistakes… and the Panthers admitted to both of them

Now TMQ asks, what’s up with Texas?

Terrible public education system? Idiot for a governor?

But the state of Texas has not seen both its NFL franchises make the playoffs in the same season since 1993.

Oh that… it’s probably because both of their teams are run by idiots. Look, I wrote that whole paragraph for you in less than 12 words.

Ndamukong Suh is a tremendous football player but also a dirty player — he deliberately body-slams quarterbacks, and it’s time the zebras ejected him from the next game in which he does this. The body-slam move is illegal; being very strong is not a license to violate the game’s rules.

Except when it’s awesome!

Stats alone don’t necessarily mean donning the garish yellow jacket, considering today’s longer seasons, while that year with the Nighthawks will not sit well with Canton voters.

Why should the HOF voters care if Ahman Green played a season in the UFL? A man’s gotta eat…

Later Neeson shoots a dozen bad guys at a mansion in Paris, then shoots more on a yacht cruising the Seine, and no police respond. In the climactic battle along the Los Angeles docks in the atrocious “The A Team” movie, also starring Neeson, hundreds of rounds are fired, two antitank missiles are launched and a gigantic container ship capsizes — yet the police don’t arrive until the following morning.

Ahh here’s our first instance of Easterbrook complaining about movie gun fights. I’ll give the man this, he’s nothing if not consistent, he does this once every other week. It usually goes like this: This movie isn’t based on a realistic premise in any way, but WHY AREN’T THE GUN FIGHTS REALISTIC?

But in the TV show, London city center streets are smoothly flowing superhighways.

You just spent four bullet points pointing how absurd Nikita is, yet you’re still amazed that minutae like the projected cityscapes in the windows of cars aren’t realistic?

The G-Persons seemed awfully blasé about letting Steve Smith and Kevin Boss depart in free agency.

Boss is extremely replaceable and Smith blew out his knee last season. It’s not like these guys are sure things, but go ahead and make your case:

Both had monster plays in Jersey/A’s Super Bowl win over the Patriots. Smith’s 12-yard sideline catch on third-and-11 with 48 seconds remaining was the Hidden Play of that contest, setting up the winning touchdown on the next snap. For those new to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, Hidden Plays are ones that never make highlight reels, but stop or sustain drives.

Oh, so your main point of evidence is a game played THREE YEARS AGO…

Check the team’s masthead, which makes the United Nations seem lean and streamlined. A president/CEO; a chairman/executive vice president; a treasurer; a comptroller; four senior vice presidents; eight regular vice presidents; 14 directors; and seven assistant directors. The Giants’ front office has everything except a parliamentarian.

HOW WILL THEY EVER WIN FOOTBALL GAMES WITH SO MANY MIDDLE MANAGERS????

On Friday, the day before the storm came ashore in North Carolina, The New York Times predicted Irene would be a Category 4 hurricane when it reached New York City: This would have been cataclysmic. The Washington Post predicted Irene would be Category 3 at Manhattan. At the moment these forecasts were posted, the National Weather Service’s National Hurricane Center was predicting Irene would reach New York as a Category 2. What was it the newspapers thought they knew that the National Weather Service didn’t know? Actual: Irene was a tropical storm, no longer a hurricane, when it reached New York.

Take that NY Times and WaPo! You’ve been reality checked Easterbrook style, bitchez! How dare you try to make sure that people are sufficiently prepared for an event that they’re not used to!

The New York Times blog Five Thirty Eight, a veritable fountain of decimal-point predictions, forecast that 65 mph winds in Manhattan would cause a hyper-specific $1.384 million in damages. As it happened, 65 mph was the highest gust in Manhattan. Will this forecast come close?

I smell a future reality check…

Now Donovan McNabb, Christian Ponder and Joe Webb are the signal-callers.

Good luck with that Viking fans. *laughs to self*

TMQ has always liked Young, whose 30-17 NFL record as a starting quarterback is a better win percentage than those posted by Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Eli Manning — and Michael Vick.

That sentence more than anything proves how big of an idiot Gregg Easterbrook is. Sure Vince Young can’t complete 60% of his passes or read at a third grade level, but lookit that winning percentage! He’s an all-pro I tell ya!

 A new Gallup poll shows a record-low 13 percent of Americans believe Congress is doing a good job. My question — the 13 percent, who are these crackpots?

The same people ignorant enough to take everything you say seriously?

Why were so many North Carolina and USC players chosen? Perhaps NFL general managers assumed that because North Carolina and USC are coming off NCAA scandals involving agents who were raining cash, therefore these schools must have premium athletes.

I’m sure that’s why… it probably has nothing to do with film study or combine workouts

Front-office note: The Seahawks have a chairman, a CEO, the aforementioned executive vice president of football operations, a general manager and a chief operating officer — five people who sound like they are in charge. Probably that means no one is in charge.

Or the CEO is in charge, like most corporate operations?

My wording left much to be desired. In my view, the serious part of Spygate commenced two days before the Patriots-Giants Super Bowl, when The New York Times ran the allegations that Bill Belichick cheated in his Super Bowl victory against the Rams. Since that story rolled off the presses, the Patriots have not won a playoff game.

Way to qualify your remarks, liar…

 

 

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Posted on August 31, 2011, in FJM Style, NFL and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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