Monthly Archives: October 2011

Weekend Preview: Dreamworks Face

Here’s your weekend preview, degenerates:

Movies

The Rum Diary: An adaptation of the novel Hunter S. Thompson wrote as a 22 year old.

Rotten Tomatoes: 51%

Uninformed Commentary: Like many other self-styled creative types of my generation I have a huge hard-on for Hunter S. Thompson. I honestly don’t give a f*ck what critics think (SUCK IT H8rs!) . The Rum Diary isn’t so much a great narrative as a great exploration of voice and style in modern writing so I can see why a bunch of stodgy old people reviewing movies (who probably didn’t take the time to read the book) wouldn’t get it. I still think this movie is going to be awesome.

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Sucking For Luck: Week 8 NFL Picks

My choices are Indianapolis or Florida? Screw it I'm staying in school.

There are a lot of legitimately awful teams in the NFL this season. By my own estimation the Vikings; Seahawks; Cardinals; Rams; Dolphins; Browns; Jaguars; Colts; Chiefs; and Broncos are only slightly better than the average SEC teams. Just a step above these teams, but still terrible are the Redskins and Panthers (who are at least fun to watch because of Cam Newton). Teams for which the jury is still out include the Raiders and Buccaneers and I’m leaning towards suck for both. Even traditionally strong teams are showing major flaws: the Patriots have no defense, the Steelers are old, the Ravens have Joe Flacco, the Eagles have no linebackers, and the Cowboys are the Cowboys.

Despite this overall level of mediocrity (especially in the AFC, which is really just a gigantic pile of nondescriptness) only a select few teams are really in the running for Andrew Luck. At this point, we may very well see three teams finishing 0-6 as the Colts, Dolphins, and Rams have all been unequivocally awful and show no signs of improvement. Let’s take a look at the tale of the tape for each of these contenders.

Indianapolis Colts: The Colts season was forfeit the minute that Peyton Manning contracted the neck AIDS that shut him down for the season. WHY CAN’T YOU BE CELIBATE LIKE TEBOW PEYTON?! Despite the fact that their entire offense is dependent of the QB making reads at the line of scrimmage, the Colts didn’t think it would be a good idea to invest in a passer with a brain, instead signing Kerry Collins, who probably spent the entire off-season drinking moonshine on his porch, to start the year. When Collins predictably sucked, the made Curtis Painter their starter, only he sucks too. The Colts defense has always been Dwight Freeney and a bunch of interchangeable parts who only occasionally play well so without any offense this year, the Colts have rarely even been competitive. Also, they’re coached by Jim Caldwell who may or may not be in a persistent vegetative state.

Indy’s opponents for the rest of the season?

@ Tennessee

vs. Atlanta

vs. Jacksonville

vs. Carolina

@ New England

@ Baltimore

vs. Tennessee

vs. Houston

@ Jacksonville

The Verdict: Every single football fan not from Indianapolis should be legitimately pissed if the Colts get Luck. No team deserves that kind of succession at QB, least of all one from Indianapolis. The people there are supposed to be miserable, they live in the sh*ttiest place in America that isn’t in Ohio.

Miami Dolphins: The good news for Dolphins fans is that their coach is Tony Sparano who is so dumb he didn’t realize that the only thing that Tim Tebow does well is run draws. Also, they’re quarterback is Matt Moore and their offense looks like what you’re left with when a kid playing Madden franchise mode with no rules just raids all the other teams’ rosters. The bad news? They’re the Dolphins so they’ll probably screw this up, or they’ll draft Luck only for him to pull an Eli Manning and demand a trade.

The Verdict: Miami is the favorite. Dan Marino is probably calling Luck right now and telling him to stay in school for another year.

St. Louis Rams: Unlike the Dolphins and the Colts who are blatantly sucking for Luck at this point, the Rams clearly do not want to be here. They drafted a QB first overall two years ago and are clearly trying to win games as evidenced by their trade for Brandon Lloyd. Because of that, in a way, the Rams deserve the first pick more than the sucktards in Miami and Indy.

If the Rams do by some miracle get the first pick, it will be interesting to see how they handle the situation. They could easily extort a king’s ransom from a QB desperate team (depending on how teams view Landry Jones and Matt Barkley, the QBs behind Luck on the draft board) or they could draft Luck themselves and shop Sam Bradford. I have to believe that they’d take the former route even though Bradford has taken a step back since his 2010 Rookie of the Year campaign. The truth is St. Louis has a ton of holes, especially on defense, and even though he hasn’t played an NFL down, Luck is probably worth more in terms of draft picks than Bradford.

The Verdict: Getting the first pick could be a franchise changer for the Rams, however it’s just not gonna happen. Playing in the NFC West the Rams still have two games against the Cardinals to come as well as one more against Seattle and one in Cleveland.

Picks follow after the jump, as always, they are done with my friend Ryan

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Dear Farrelly Brothers, Leave My Childhood Alone

The Farrelly brothers made a couple of funny movies in the 90s, then proceeded to make lazy comedic dungpiles for the next decade, starting with Fever Pitch. That’s why I’m less than thrilled that fresh off ruining the Three Stooges the Farrelly’s are now looking to make a Dumb and Dumber sequel (not Dumb and Dumberer?)

EXCLUSIVE: Now that they have wrapped their dream project The Three Stooges after a decade of trying, Peter and Bobby Farrelly are moving forward with another project they’ve long wanted to do: a second installment of the New Line 1994 hit Dumb and Dumber. The intention is to bring back Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels as Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne, the lovable dimwitted pals with big hearts and small brains. Sean Anders and John Morris have been hired to write the script. They co-wrote the Anders-directed Sex Drive and just co-directed the Adam Sandler comedy I Hate You Dad. The hope is for the Farrelly Brothers to direct this next.

Dumb and Dumber is by my estimation the greatest comedy of all time, so just leave it alone okay? You assh*les aren’t funny anymore so stop ruining my childhood.

Oh Just F*cking Go Away, Glenn Beck

I don’t talk about politics much, because its boring and I like offending you with my terrible jokes rather than my political views. However, if there’s one thing that we can all agree on as rational human beings, it’s that the world has been a much better place since Glenn Beck stopped having a TV show. I haven’t thought about Beck in months and I couldn’t be happier about that. However, unfortunately for humanity, Glenn hasn’t disappeared off the face of the Earth.

What caused Glenn Beck to cry on Today this morning? Did someone make Beck sit in a drum circle at the Occupy Wall Street movement? Or did someone buy him an Obama 2012 bumper sticker for his car? Nope, it’s neither of those things.

Rather, during a taped interview with Kathie Lee Gifford, the former Fox News commentator got emotional talking about the his own difficult childhood, which he drew inspiration from for his latest fiction book The Snow Angel. Among other things, Gifford and Beck discussed his mother’s death, a possible suicide, and why he and his family didn’t talk about it for a long time. “When you live in an alcoholic family or an abusive family, you tiptoe, you don’t want to step on any mines,” Beck said.

Now if I wanted to be tasteless and boorish, you may say Beckish, I may say something about conspiracy theories or the Bilderberg group. But I’m above that. I’m sorry that you had a tough childhood Glenn, I really am. Maybe if you had had a normal, compassionate family, you would be a well-adjusted human being rather than an unhinged lunatic put in front of the public to rile up the assorted gun-toting masses (get it, because they’re fat) that populate places like Florida. Now kindly go away forever please. Okay? Okay.

‘Homeland’ Renewed for a Second Season

In the wasteland that is new TV programming, we really only get introduced to one or two good new shows every fall. Showtime’s Homeland is definitely one of those programs. Homeland is well-written and acted (mmm Claire Danes), offers a complex premise, and challenges viewers to pay attention. Basically, it’s everything that 90% of CBS’s programming is not. And now, this wonderful little piece of storytelling is getting a second season.

After 4 solid showings, Showtime has picked up conspiracy thriller dramaHomeland for a second season. Production on Season 2 will begin in the spring. The project, from 24 alums Howard Gordon and Alex Gansa, was the first major piece of development Showtime’s entertainment president David Nevins brought to the network. It sailed through the pilot stage and earlier this month launched as Showtime’s highest-rated new series (helped by a bigDexter lead-in.) In its first week, the drama starring Claire Danes, Damian Lewis, Mandy Patinkin and Morena Baccarin, was seen by 4.4 million viewers across various platforms. What’s more, the series has increased its overall viewership since the premiere, with its most recent episode on Sunday hitting a series high. “Homeland is just getting started,” said Nevins

I’m pumped about this, as you can probably gather, and not just because Damien Lewis was awesome in Band of Brothers (and the underrated Life). Well played, Showtime.

Gregg Easterbrook Totally Gets Tim Tebow

When we last left waste of space Gregg Easterbrook, he was busy explaining why tight ends are becoming more important in NFL offenses, a phenomenon that has never been explored by any commentator or analyst ever before. He also continued to take the premises of fictional works too seriously, and was just an all-around douche.

So, what’s on tap for this week? Behold, as Gregg explains Tim Tebow to you simpleminded plebes. Also, the same annoying bullsh*t as every week. READ ON, or whatever…

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I Hate You People

I didn’t watch the premiere of ABC’s Once Upon a Time because I have these two tiny inconveniences called testicles sitting between my legs. They’re mostly useless, but occasionally they do come in handy. Unfortunately the same can’t be said for 12.8 million people who actually turned on their TVs to watch the same re-packed fairy tale dreck that’s been re-cycled over and over for the past five years. Hey dips*ts,  juxtaposing a sh*tty story with a modern backdrop doesn’t make it anymore interesting…

Can Once Upon a Time give ABC’s fall a happy ending? The fantasy adventure got off to a strong start in the ratings Sunday night, opening better than expected at 8 p.m.

Once delivered 12.8 million viewers and a 3.9 adults 18-49 rating, improving a whopping 86 percent on the usual time period average of Extreme Makeover in the slot. That makes Once Upon a Time the highest-rated new drama series premiere of the season — bigger than ABC’s Revenge, CBS’ Person of Interestor Fox’s Terra Nova.

This is why we can’t have nice things. Excuse me while I go drink myself into incoherence, Yes, I do realize that it’s 10:45 in the morning.

NFL Week 7 Recap

Here’s a recap of my picks for Week 7 and the actual game results (home teams in CAPS):

My Pick: Chicago (-1) over TAMPA: Reality: Bears 24 – Bucs 18; Tampa sucks, and if you think they’re good, you need to reevaluate your entire outlook on football. I need more videos of Jay Cutler swearing at Mike Martz to sustain me…

My Pick: Washington (+2.5) over CAROLINA; Reality: Redskins 20 – Panther 33; Let Washington’s free-fall begin. This all seems to be leading to St. Louis getting an entire draft out of the Skins for the rights to the 2nd or 3rd pick and Landry Jones.

My Pick: San Diego (-2) over NY JETS; Reality: Chargers 21 – Jets 27; I don’t understand why Philip Rivers has been getting such a free pass from the media this year. He’s been pretty awful, with more INTs than TDs on the season, and it’s not like he’s got a great personality to make up for it.

My Pick: Seattle (+3) over CLEVELAND; Reality: Seahawks 3 – Cleveland 6; From our Friday picks column:

Maybe Seattle isn’t as bad as we thought they were? Charlie Whitehurst is probably an improvement over Tarvaris Jackson.

Yeah not so much. Congrats on winning the Crippling Depression Bowl, Cleveland.

My Pick: TENNESSEE (-3) over Houston: Reality: Texans 41 – Titans 7: So much for the Matt Hasselbeck renaissance. As much as I’d like to see the Titans keep Jake Locker (my favorite QB from the 2011 draft) on the bench the entire year so he can develop, if Hasselbeck continues to play like he has the past two weeks, that won’t be possible.

My Pick: Denver (+1) over MIAMI; Reality: Broncos 18 – Dolphins 15 (OT); Tim Tebow completed 48% of his passes (against the 30th ranked pass defense in the NFL)! LEGEND IN THE MAKING HE IS THE ANOINTED ONE SHUT UP SATA WORSHIPING LIBERALS. In all seriousness, I’m pretty sure Stephen Ross called the Miami sideline and told the every player on the Dolphins that they would be cut and blackballed if they won that game.

My Pick: DETROIT (-3) over Atlanta; Reality: Falcons 23 – Lions 16; Matt Ryan has his mojo back and the Falcons are very much back in the playoff hunt.

My Pick: OAKLAND (-4.5) over Kansas City; Reality: Chiefs 28 – Raiders 0; KC’s three wins are against Minnesota, Indianapolis, and the Raiders two-headed monster of suck; Carson Palmer and Kyle Boller. Color me unimpressed.

My Pick: Pittsburgh (-3.5) over ARIZONA; Reality: Steelers 32 – Cardinals 20; That Kevin Kolb trade sure was a smart move by Arizona.

My Pick: DALLAS (-12) over St. Louis; Reality: Rams 7 – Cowboys 34; Get ready for a deluge of stories about how Dallas is the best team in the NFC East. Right up until the Eagles smack them around next Sunday.

My Pick: Green Bay (-9) over MINNESOTA; Reality: Packers 33 – Vikings 27; What a difference not starting Donovan McNabb makes. Thanks for all the chunky soup Donovan, enjoy the glue factory.

My Pick: NEW ORLEANS (-14) over Indianapolis; Reality: Saints 62 – Colts 7; That score is NOT a typo. Is there a mercy rule in football? Hey at least I got to watch Boarwalk Empire at its appointed time.

Update:

My Pick: BALTIMORE (-7.5) over Jacksonville; Reality: Jaguars 12 – Ravens 6: Let’s just chalk this up to me getting indiscriminately abused in the picks this week. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Week 7 Record:  5 – 7 – 1

Weekend Preview: Woof

Welcome to fall, where movies stop trying to be even remotely interesting. Let’s take a look at what you will (or won’t) be watching this weekend.

Movies

Paranormal Activity 3: You already know what this is about.

Rotten Tomatoes: 76%

Uninformed Commentary: Was it really necessary to make another Paranormal Activity? The first one was barely scary and found footage stopped being a novel idea after The Blair Witch Project. Critics like this for whatever reason, but I’m just going to assume that it sucks and stay away. The fact that it’s directed by the same people as Catfish which had the least shocking shock ending in movie history isn’t making me any more interested.

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The Joy of Bye Weeks: Week 7 NFL Picks

The Giants are on a bye week and I couldn’t be happier about it. As much as I enjoy football season, it is an immensely stressful time. The joy of a key victory, like the G-Men’s Week 3 win over Philadelphia is palpable but fleeting, but the disappointment of a bad loss, like the Giants’ Week 5 stinker against Seattle lingers for a couple of days. The Monday and Tuesday following a loss like that, I find myself on edge, snapping at others. Not even beer can dull the pain. (I realize that this is not healthy).

That’s why I love bye weeks. As much as I love the Giants, I love watching stress free football even more. What’s even better about this week is that the Patriots are on a bye, meaning that the only local game being broadcast where I live is the Jets-Chargers game, on CBS. The Fox games? Lions-Falcons and Packers-Vikings, two of the better matchups of the week (this week’s matchups suck) and if I get tired of football, I can just play video games without worrying about what’s going to happen with my team. Bye weeks are awesome.

Picks follow after the jump, as always they are done with my friend Ryan Read the rest of this entry