Tim Tebow Will Be Starting on Sunday, Heathens
Hide your eyes and slink back to whatever dark hole you crawled out of non-believers; for the Lord’s son, no not the long-haired socialist, the one who plays football, is now the Denver Broncos’ starting quarterback. As you surely know by now, once fat idiot coach John Fox benched that heathen drunkard and put in Tim Tebow (Blessed be he) last Sunday the Broncos nearly came back from a 17 point defecit (just don’t say that the Chargers almost blew a lead).
Tebow completed all of his passes and was totally awesome and anyone who says otherwise is just lying. What’s that you say? Tebow was 4-10 for 79 yards, 28 of which came on a screen pass to Knowshon Moreno? Yeah, well they’re Tebow completions so they count for twice as much as normal one, because GOD. Anyways, ESPN’s new Total QB stat, which is totally not bullsh*t designed so that ESPN can promote 2011 as the year of the QB, conclusively proves that Tebow is already the best QB in the league, which totally needs him more than any other player.
Now that our football messiah has arrived, the Broncos brass can sit back and pop the champagne. Or, as the anointed one himself prefers, celebrate by circumcising a filipino boy. As for the actual games, don’t worry about those. After Tebow defeats the bye week by going to church seven days in a row, there’s no way that God is letting his favorite son (suck on that Jesus) lose to a bunch of miscreants like the Dolphins (oh crap, there’s going to be nonstop Tebow hyperbole for at least three weeks now isn’t there?). Who the f*ck is Andrew Luck anyway?