Gregg Easterbrook Loves Tight Ends

Last week, ESPN’s largest waste of space and money (ironically the things he enjoys complaining about most) Gregg Easterbrook sussed out the mystery behind the decline in male college admissions. It’s all because of football, you idiots. Gregg also continued to extol the virtues of undrafted players and demonstrate just how lazy those high draft picks are… by pointing out that the Lions beat the Bears largely due to solid play from their last few first round picks.

So what’s on tap for this week? Marvel as Gregg discovers the single most important factor for NFL success: the tight end! Applaud as his dog tries out new food! Cheer as he takes another movie premise much too seriously! Read on..

Quarterbacks, left tackles, pass-rushers — they’re a dime a dozen. I want my team to win. Lend me a tight end!

The more football your columnist observes, the more TMQ becomes convinced the tight end is the essence of the modern game. Or at least, the essence of cracking a modern defense. Consider:

• Seven of the league’s top 10 tight ends play for winning teams. Is that simply because good teams produce good stats? Only three of the league’s top 10 rushers play for winning teams.

But what about quarterbacks, left tackles and defenses?

• Four of the five most recent Super Bowl winners (the Indianapolis Colts, New York Giants, Pittsburgh Steelers and New Orleans Saints) featured the tight end. The fifth, the Green Bay Packers, featured the tight end until the starter was injured. The Indianapolis Colts reached the Super Bowl twice in four seasons with tight end Dallas Clark in the lineup, then stumbled the following season with Clark out injured.

And the Clark has been atrocious without Peyton Manning at Quarterback. Tight ends are not more important than QBs.

• The Buffalo Bills had the fewest tight end receptions in the NFL in 2010, finishing 4-12 with the 28th-ranked scoring offense. This season Buffalo added tight end Scott Chandler, who is tied for second in touchdowns at his position. The Bills are winning and trail only the defending champions Packers in scoring.

I stand completely corrected. What are Scott Chandler’s overall stats on the year? Six games, 13 receptions, 98 yds, and 4 TDs. SCOTT CHANDLER IS THE SOLE REASON FOR THE BILLS’ SUCCESS.

In other football news, the stat-a-rama aspect of the 2011 season cooled this week. Your columnist has been saying since Week 2 that lack of an offseason, not enforcement of helmet-to-helmet rules, was the reason for high passing-yards numbers — and that “as the season progresses, pass coverages should get better and passing yards decline.”

Hmmmm, notice how there’s now way to prove that Gregg’s reasoning is right or wrong here? Sure, Easterbrook’s explanation for this season’s offensive explosion cooling off a bit could be right, but isn’t it also plausible that teams have figured out what they can and can’t do without getting penalized and are now playing defense with more confidence? Perhaps cooler weather last weekend had an effect on the decline in passing yards? This is why I hate you Easterbrook.

Game scoreless, the Chicago Bears had first-and-10 at midfield. Mike “What The!” Martz sent fullback Tyler Clutts into the game. He and tailback Matt Forte went into the right flat, as if setting up a screen right. This distracted the Minnesota Vikings’ safeties, while Devin Hester ran a deep post — touchdown, and the home team never looked back. Sweet.

Then why does Jay Cutler hate Martz so much?

Last week researchers announced they had found, in a South African cave, evidence of painting 100,000 years ago.The previous oldest evidence of painting was from 60,000 years in the past; the famous Lascaux cave painting in France were made about 17,000 years ago. The latest find, in South Africa, shows both that our ancestors were experimenting with iron oxides to make permanent paint 50 millennia in the past: all that time ago, they painted inside caves, seeming to hope their work would last long enough to be seen by distant descendants.

Each time telescopes improve, the universe is revealed to be larger, older and grander. Each time anthropology makes an advance, the human experiment is shown to be older and more complex than thought. Who can say where the cosmic enterprise may be headed?

That’s neat. It’s also not football related.

The Dolphins’ masthead lists 20 coaches, including an assistant head coach and Tony Sparano Jr., whose assignment is “offensive quality control.” Weren’t any of the 20 coaches watching the game? And yes, Revis should have been called for holding on the pick-six play. But the Dolphins brought that outcome on themselves.

As for Jersey/B, the Jets are 3-3, ranked 31st in rushing offense and 28th in rushing defense. If I were Rex Ryan, I’d call a news conference to boast.

I challenge you to find a douchier sequence of six sentences than that right there anywhere other than talk radio. Go ahead…. you can’t can you?

Obviously “willing suspension of disbelief” is required for a movie like this. What seems striking about “Real Steel” is not the implausible premise, but that the action is supposed to occur in 2020. In this flick, just nine years from now, not only will gigantic fighting robots be common in American cities — Hugh Jackman will find the parts for Atom by scrounging through a junkyard, because well before the year 2020, gigantic used robots are already being tossed out as trash.

SHUT UP AND LET PEOPLE ENJOY THEIR MOVIES DAMMIT. Get off your f*cking high horse, unclench your ass cheeks, and stop being that guy who constantly screams that premises are unrealistic.

The silly coaches’ shouting match following the final whistle has gotten too much attention — what struck TMQ was that San Francisco outrushed Detroit by 137 yards on its own field.

But running games don’t matter as much as having really awesome tight ends! You told me so yourself!

Hail Cincinnati’s All-Unwanteds: The Bengals are an unexpected 4-2 based on the league’s second-ranked defense. Can you name any Cincinnati defensive starter without peeking?

Leon Hall? Rey Maualuga? Both high-round picks by the way. Oh and because Easterbrook doesn’t mention it, Cincinatti’s three best, young, offensive players: AJ Green, Jermaine Gresham, and Andy Dalton were first-round picks.


Posted on October 19, 2011, in Douchebags, FJM Style, Gregg Easterbrook, NFL and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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