Gregg Easterbrook Totally Gets Tim Tebow

When we last left waste of space Gregg Easterbrook, he was busy explaining why tight ends are becoming more important in NFL offenses, a phenomenon that has never been explored by any commentator or analyst ever before. He also continued to take the premises of fictional works too seriously, and was just an all-around douche.

So, what’s on tap for this week? Behold, as Gregg explains Tim Tebow to you simpleminded plebes. Also, the same annoying bullsh*t as every week. READ ON, or whatever…

Yes, the zany final minutes of that contest were a lot of fun to watch. And the naysayers — perhaps there is a National Association of Naysayers, with a motto such as, “Saying nay since 1908” — predicted Tebow couldn’t win in the NFL. Now he has.

The first three quarters were f*cking awful. I am one of these Naysayers and for the record, we prefer to be called haters, or people with eyes, brains and the ability to view the world in a realistic manner. Also, for the record, we never said that Tim Tebow would never win an NFL game, we just said he would suck as an NFL quarterback. Failing to complete 50% of his passes against the 30th ranked pass defense in the league hasn’t suddenly convinced us that he’s good.

But football is a team game. Tebow didn’t launch the onside kick or recover the onside kick. He didn’t block for himself on the try that forced overtime. He was just one of many Broncos on the field, yet is receiving all the attention.

As he should, he is after all, God’s favorite son. SUCK IT HATERS.

True, there were some sharp plays. On the all-important deuce try with 25 seconds showing in regulation, the Broncos came out five-wide and Miami took the field in a dime. Tebow noticed nobody behind the defensive linemen on the offensive right and audibled to a quarterback sneak right, a move reflecting football IQ.

Yeah it was really sharp how Miami, didn’t guard against the QB keeper when THE ONLY THING TIM TEBOW IS GOOD AT IS RUNNING. I’m pretty sure that Tony Sparano is Terry Schiavo level brain dead. Do a brainwave scan, I dare you.

But Miami also aided the comeback.

Y’ don’t say…

It must have been a miracle! The worst aspect of going overboard for Tebow’s performance was use of that word. “MIRACLE IN MIAMI” read the main headline on NFL.com.

The fact that Tebow is religious had nothing to do with the outcome. God does not care who wins football games. Sports commentators are too quick to invoke the word miracle — which means an event outside human understanding of physical law. World peace would be a miracle. A recovered onside kick with two minutes remaining is a nice play.

Holy sh*t! Way to be on the right track AND THEN TOTALLY MISS THE POINT.

Of course, attributing the course of events to the divine can be just a figure of speech. It also can be a form of egotism — a billion people worldwide live in poverty, but God is more concerned with making Brett Favre happy? God certainly did not touch Tebow and cause his team to win Sunday or Tyree to make his catch, or cause anything else in sports. God does not care who wins football games. Or if God does, we’re in even worse trouble than we think.

Or there is no God. The fact that Greggggg gets paid to write about anything is certainly evidence for the non-existence of any type of deity/cosmic force.

Stats of the Week No. 2: Seattle at Cleveland ended with more punts (12) than points (9).

Who saw that one coming?

Stats of the Week No. 7: Stretching back to 2009, Miami is on a 1-12 streak at home.

It’s almost like they’ve been bad at football or something…

Sour Quarter of the Week: Sometimes you learn a lot about a team when nothing is on the line. With New Orleans leading 41-7 at the end of the third quarter, the Saints pulled Drew Brees and other starters, and did not attempt another pass in the contest. Indianapolis allowed a touchdown drive of six consecutive rushing plays. Knowing the Saints would rush, the Colts, looking bored and listless, couldn’t stop them. Then trailing 62-7 with seven minutes remaining, Indianapolis coach Jim Caldwell ordered a punt from midfield. Just two years ago, Indianapolis was in the Super Bowl. Ye gods.

It was as if they were trying to lose so that they might get the first pick in the draft… Who is this Andrew Luck person?

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk: Green Bay leading 33-27 with 2:37 remaining, the Vikings punted — and I scarcely need to tell you Minnesota never touched the ball again. So what if it was fourth-and-10? The Vikings were playing at home. They entered 1-5 on the season and 4-9 under Leslie Frazier. A successful conversion on fourth-and-10 could have led to an upset of the defending champion Packers and revived the team’s season. A punt made a sluggish defeat likely. Frazier knew that if he went for it on fourth down and failed, he would be blamed for the loss; if he ordered a mincing, fraidy-cat punt, the defense would be blamed for failing to get the ball back. Blame-shifting is a huge factor in NFL coaching decisions.

Does any Vikings fan not blame Leslie Frazier for punting?

Commentators across the political spectrum are complaining that the debt-reduction supercommittee on Capitol Hill is meeting “in secret.” Televised public hearings would turn the supercommittee into yet another political sideshow. That is what many interest groups want — to ensure that supercommittee becomes a meaningless exercise in blather, because interest groups both liberal and corporate oppose any discipline in government spending. Being away from the cameras is essential to thesupercommittee’s chance of success.

Average people are incapable of thinking. What we need is less transparency in government! Also, this is NOT FOOTBALL.

A “Monday Night Football” Game Only the Football Gods Could Love: At 5:29 remaining in the third quarter, the Baltimore Ravens made their initial first down of their MNF encounter at Jacksonville. The 12-7 Jaguars victory invokes the perennial question of low-scoring contests: Was it terrible offense or terrific defense?

Joe Flacco completed six passes for eight yards! I don’t care how good your defense is, that is most certainly a product of terrible offense.

Credit the win to Jack of the River going for broke rather than doing the “safe” thing. Jax leading 9-7 ‘ere the clock struck midnight — with 1:48 remaining on the clock — the Jags faced fourth-and-6 on the Baltimore 33. A field goal forces the Ravens to play for a touchdown; a missed field goal gives them possession on their 40, needing only a field goal to win; a punt probably rolls into the end zone for a touchback. Del Rio sent out the place-kicker, whose 51-yard kick was true: Forced to play for a desperation touchdown, Baltimore threw an interception. Often a field goal attempt is the safe course. In this case, it was bold.

This paragraph makes no sense at all.

Blame Busted Coverage, Not Helmet-to-Helmet Rules: Second-and-4 at the Indianapolis 14, the Saints lined up four wide. Marques Colston, in the slot, ran a simple slant for the touchdown; no cornerback jammed him, no one even covered him. As he scored, a linebacker was jogging in his general direction. Trailing San Diego 21-17, Jersey/B faced third-and-goal on the Chargers’ 3 and lined up four wide. Plaxico Burress, in the slot, ran a simple slant for the touchdown. San Diego corner Antoine Cason didn’t jam Burress and acted surprised when he ran a slant — the most common wideout pattern at the goal line.

Stricter enforcement of helmet-to-helmet contact rules is not causing bad coverages such as these. Bad coverages themselves are the culprit.

Your unprovable argument based on a cherry picked play of the week.

Absence of Wasteful Spending: TMQ pounds the table about football teams receiving police escorts and similar needlessly lavish travels perks. John Karp of Washington reports a refreshing counter example: “Not all sports teams are blocking traffic to get to their games. This article details how the basketball team from my alma mater, George Washington University, took the Metro to a game downtown at Verizon Center.”

Perhaps because no one cares about the GW basketball team?

If only all the rich and powerful took the progressive attitude shown byGeorge Washington University. Reader Joe Kaluva of Madison, Wis., notes the Glazer family, owners of the Buccaneers, had stadium parking near a Manchester United game closed off so they could use the area to land in helicopters, then fly on to London for the Bucs-Bears contest. Are the Glazers heads of state? Nobel Prize winners? No, just spoiled rich people.

They’re also extremely hated in England from when they owned Man U. Maybe they closed it off for their own safety. It’s not like soccer fans are known for being passionately violent or anything… Can hooligans get a hold of Gregg please?

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Posted on October 25, 2011, in Douchebags, FJM Style, Fun Stuff, Gregg Easterbrook, NFL and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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