Monthly Archives: November 2011

Thursday Night NFL Pick: Week 13

Philadelphia (-3) @ Seattle

Ryan: Every time I blindly pick Seattle because of their mythical home field advantage, IT COMES BACK TO BITE ME. The Seahawks are an enigmatic bad team. They beat the Ravens and Giants but lose to the Redskins and Browns? How?

A lot of people have been pointing out that this is Michael Vick’s third game out with broken ribs while Tony Romo didn’t miss any. The tacit implication in this is either that a) Vick is a wimp, or b) Andy Reid thinks that Vince Young gives the team a better chance to win. Neither is a vote of confidence for Vick who, just three months ago, got PAID. Who could have known at the time that that was a bad contract?

The Eagles aren’t going to make the playoffs but how hard they fight will determine whether Andy Reid keeps his job. Sure, Eagles fans would like to fire him, but is there a better alternative for this roster? The Eagles always play great in December and I expect this season to be no different. Philly covers.

Asif: I know that the Eagles aren’t good or anything, but this line seems awfully low considering that Seattle just lost to Washington. Also, the three primetime games this week are this abortion, New England @ Indianapolis (Herp), and San Diego @ Los Angeles Jacksonville (DERP). I thought the flex schedule was supposed to fix this kind of stuff. Why can’t we have nice things?! Philadelphia covers.

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Gregg Easterbrook Definitely Got Picked On in High School

When we last left preachy pile of garbage Gregg Easterbrook… he was taking a week off for Thanksgiving. Why couldn’t he just stay gone?

Unfortunately, Gregg is back this week, and he’s here to explain the Broncos’ winning streak to all you simpletons out there. No it doesn’t have anything to do with weak competition, luck, or even an act of God (who apparently is both Tim Tebow’s father and his wife). It’s because they run a high school offense! Read on and marvel in the stupidity.

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Week 12 NFL Recap (Updated)

Before we get to the picks; a quick programming note. Posting will be sparse and somewhat irregular this week as I have to go out of town for a few days. The weekly Gregg Easterbrooking will run a day late, on Wednesday, and the picks will be posted on Friday as scheduled. Other than that, I’ll try to hammer out a few quick posts, but I can’t promise anything. What? Did you expect me to treat this in a professional manner?

My Pick: Green Bay (-6) over DETROIT; Reality: Packers 27 – Lions 15; Not nearly as fun, or close (the Lions scored a garbage time TD to make the score more appealing) as everyone expected. For the record, I do think that Ndamukong Suh’s actions have no place in the game and his explanation for them is weak at best, but I guarantee that the reactions from commentators everywhere will make me want to puke. Prepare for weeks of hearing that Suh is the greatest threat to western civilization this side of Kim Jong Il.

My Pick: DALLAS (-7) over Miami; Reality: Dolphins 19 – Cowboys 20; I hate the Cowboys soooo much. Also, it was awesome to watch the Dolphins attempt to use the veer option by snapping the ball from the left tackle spot even though the play only gained a yard. I just wish I could find video of it somewhere.

My Pick: San Francisco (+3) over BALTIMORE; Reality: 49ers 6 – Ravens 16; The Ravens are another team that I’m really starting to despise. WHY DON’T YOU TRY WHEN I PICK YOU????

My Pick: ST. LOUIS (-3) over Arizona; Reality: Cardinals 23 – Rams 20; In my defense, I made this pick using the eenie meenie method.

My Pick: Buffalo (+8) over NY JETS; Reality: Bills 24 – Jets 28; For the record, Stevie Johnson’s Plaxico mocking made me laugh, then when I thought about it later I got angry because I truly believe that the 2008 Giants would have repeated as Super Bowl Champions had Burress not worn sweatpants to a nightclub. Guns don’t slip causing you to shoot yourself if you put them in the waist band of your jeans. NO ONE DENIES THIS. God, I hate you Plax. Also, Peyton Manning is almost certainly going to be the Jets’ QB in 2012.

My Pick: CINCINNATI (-7) over Cleveland; Reality: Browns 20 – Bengals 23; I like doing these picks because it leads me to root for silly things to happen during games. For example, as the Browns tried to stage a last minute drive (spoiler: they failed) Ryan and I were both rooting for a Bengals pick-six which would allow us to cover (spoiler: didn’t happen). Also, the Bengals are totally making the playoffs. Watch me pick them to win the Super Bowl.

My Pick: Houston (-3) over JACKSONVILLE; Reality: Texans 20 – Jaguars 17; Matt Leinart actually looked pretty good before he broke his collarbone. Houston has a two game cushion in the AFC South over the Titans, which might be enough to get them in to the playoffs even though they’ll be starting TJ Yates at QB the rest of the way. This will serve as your weekly reminder of how awful the AFC South is. Also, benching Blaine Gabbert in the fourth quarter makes zero sense if you’re Jacksonville. I know he sucks, but you spent a first round pick on the guy hoping he’d be your QB of the future, you have to live through the growing pains, it’s not like you’re making the playoffs anyway.

My Pick: Carolina (-3.5) over INDIANAPOLIS; Reality: Panthers 27 – Colts 19; The Colts had a legitimate chance to win this game, but openly appeared to be dogging it. It’s pretty apparent now that they’re tanking the season because if they were at all interested in winning a single game, Kerry Collins or Dan Orlovsky would be starting at QB instead of Curtis Painter. Curtis Painter is awful.

My Pick: TENNESSEE (-3) over Tampa Bay; Reality: Bucs 17 – Titans 23; Tennessee has a legit chance to win the AFC South now and it looks like Chris Johnson (190 rush yds in this game) is ready to start trying again.

My Pick: ATLANTA (-9.5) over Minnesota; Reality: Vikings 14 – Falcons 24; Leslie Frazier’s response to all the criticism that he received for not going for it on fourth down against Green Bay seems to be to go for it on every fourth down from now until the end of time. This is obviously not a smart move.

My Pick: OAKLAND (-4.5) over Chicago; Reality: Bears 20 – Raiders 25; The events of this past week have been a great boon to three teams in particular: the Giants, Falcons, and Cowboys. With Ndamukong Suh out for two weeks minimum and Caleb Hanie being Caleb Hanie, the NFC wild card picture figures to be a lot less competitive than it looked a week ago.

My Pick: New England (-4) over PHILADELPHIA; Reality: Pats 38 – Eagles 20; The Eagles got up 10-0 early and the Patriots flat out dominated from that point on. The Patriots offense is scary good when Tom Brady gets in rhythm. In other news, water is wet.

My Pick: SAN DIEGO (-4.5) over Denver; Reality: Doncos 16 – Chargers 13; This game went on FOREVER, but when it was done I found myself a Tebow convert. I’m not going to change my liberal ways or start believing in God, but I just don’t have the energy to invest in hating the guy anymore. In other news, enjoy your time on the unemployment line this summer, Norv Turner. NORV TURNER IS THE 99%. Not really though, about 99% of NFL coaches can run a 2-minute drill better than Norv. The other one percent? Andy Reid.

My Pick: Pittsburgh (-10.5) over KANSAS CITY; Reality: Steelers 13- Chiefs 9; This game was way too yucky for me to even consider watching on a Sunday night. FIX YOU SCHEDULE NBC!

Update:

My Pick: NY Giants (+7) over NEW ORLEANS; Reality: Giants 24 – Saints 49; There should be some kind of law prohibiting me from picking Giants games.

 

The War on Thanksgiving: Week 12 NFL Picks

HAND TURKEY SAYS FIX YOU PICKS

This week’s intro is a re-post of something I wrote back in 2009, but since I’m on semi-vacation I figured I’d reshare it, especially since it’s a bit of an anachronism now:
For years, Christian groups have railed on endlessly about the War on Christmas, decrying the inclusion of Chanukah and Kwanzaa among the December holidays. This is obviously nonsense, however there is another holiday that  has been under attack for years and no one seems to notice.

The most uniquely American holiday, Thanksgiving, has become the unwitting victim to the commercial excesses of modern capitalism. Thanksgiving is all about the three F’s; family, food, and football (and beer). There is almost no shopping involved; the biggest purchase made in preparation for the big day is the turkey. Hell, people probably spend more money on President’s day than on turkey day although I can’t be bothered to do the research. All this makes thanksgiving too easy a target for corporate America. Today, holiday shopping ads start the day after Halloween (if not sooner) and the biggest shopping day of the year is… you guessed it, the day after thanksgiving. Where is the respect for this most sacred of holidays? Thanksgiving is just a speed bump on the way towards the consumer orgy that is Christmas, a minor annoyance.

Thanksgiving is a holiday uniquely ingrained in the American spirit. We eat copious amounts of food, preferably in multiple sittings, drink a bunch of alcohol, watch people more talented than us play a child’s game on our big screens and then fall asleep on the couch. It’s awesome! But it doesn’t make anyone any money (except turkey farmers, but honestly who gives a f*ck). So now the holiday faces a three-pronged attack.

The first part of this dastardly plan involves the destruction of the family, but I’m not talking about gay marriage, I’m talking about how everyone’s family has become completely polarized. It used to be that everyone had one asshole uncle, now every other uncle is a douche-mop whose only news source is Fox. Now it’s impossible for everyone to get along so no one even wants to see their family on the most important day of the year. The second part of the attack has been on the food. It used to be that you went to thanksgiving and the main course was a turkey, either roasted or fried, if your family was adventurous maybe you got a ham. Now there’s all sorts of garbage, for vegans there’s tofurkey. Seriously? All the side dishes weren’t enough for the vegetarian crowd? They’re pretty much all meatless. Instead you have to replace that glorious piece of poultry with soy? But that’s not even the worst, no that spot is reserved for turducken, which I can only imagine is the reactionary response to tofurkey by the world’s fatasses. Sure three birds packed inside one another sounds great, but really it’s a terrible idea. Turkeys are huge, that’s not enough meat for you? You can get chicken any day of the year, you can get duck almost as often, how many days do you make a whole fucking turkey? Just leave it alone.

The final part of the attack on thanksgiving has been going on the longest. We all love football, we all love watching football on thanksgiving. No one who loves football enjoys watching the Detroit Lions, not even Lions fans. Yet, we’ve had to watch them every thanksgiving since the beginning of time. Sitting down to watch football and then seeing the Lions makes every person in the world want to puke up the delicious turkey they just ate, which makes us subconsciously hate turkey, which in turn makes us subconsciously hate the family that just fed us the turkey. And who owns the Lions? The Ford family, which sells cars, which no one buys on thanksgiving, but plenty of people buy on every other holiday (seriously, look it up, there’s a car sale every other holiday). Really what the Lions are doing to thanksgiving is downright evil. (Ed. note: Funny how this no longer applies, Congrats Detroit)

This war on the greatest day of the year has gone unnoticed for too long and we need to save thanksgiving before it’s too late and people just forget it exists. This corporate conspiracy, led by the automotive industry, using their proxy, the Detroit Lions must be stopped.

Picks follow after the jump, as always they are done with my friend Ryan

When Rebuilding Plans Backfire: Week 11 NFL Picks

God I hate you Sanchez

It’s official, Tim Tebow is steering the Denver Broncos towards another year of futility. I know, the Broncos are now 4-1 with Tebow as their starter and are well positioned should Oakland slip in the AFC West. None of that matters. The ultimate goal of any NFL team is to win the Super Bowl and it’s more than apparent after 4 games that Tim Tebow is not capable of leading the Broncos to those heights. You can be impressed with the wins, that’s fair. And Tebow’s ability to run the football is a real strength.

However, Tebow’s complete inability to pass the ball makes the Broncos one-dimensional. It’s not that Tim Tebow is simply inaccurate (he has a 44.8 completion % this season), he is inaccurate to a comical degree, airmailing passes or throwing them at receivers’ feet like some weird version of Donovan McNabb on Quaaludes. His coaches have so much as admitted that he’s not equipped to handle an NFL offense. And although the Broncos are 3-1, their new veer-option has been less than impressive against good defenses. Consider that prior  to the final 95 yard drive, the Broncos had generated just 134 yards of total offense on the day.

It’s easy to get caught up in Tebow mania. He is an exciting runner and a charismatic personality. However, all the evidence points to this current run being unsustainable for Denver. QB win-loss records can be extremely misleading, especially early in careers. Eli Manning lost his first six games as a starter and Peyton Manning had just four wins in his first 17 starts. The difference between those two and Tebow is that they showed a basic aptitude for throwing the ball.

Take a moment to consider where the Broncos would be if they hadn’t just won four of their last five games. They’d have one win and be in prime position to grab one of the top quarterbacks in this year’s draft. Nothing is going to stop the Colts from getting Andrew Luck, but Landry Jones or Matt Barkley wouldn’t be bad consolation prizes. In the past few weeks the Broncos have shown that they have an O-line capable of supporting a running game as well as an under appreciated defense. Adding the threat of a passing game could make them AFC front runners.  Instead, they’ve likely played themselves out of getting one of those QBs and towards another year of wounded ducks from Tebow. Enjoy the party Denver.

Picks follow after the jump, as always they are done with my friend Ryan.

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NFL Week 11 Thursday Pick

Here’s a quick hit in advance of tonight’s NFL Network Game in Denver.

NY Jets (-6) @ Denver

Ryan: This game is going to be fascinating to watch. Just four days later, the Jets could very well run the complete opposite defense that they deployed against the Patriots–where they often had seven defensive backs–and stack nine in the box, leaving Darelle Revis and Antonio Cromartie in single coverage.

It seems extremely logical that the Jets would cover this spread. However, I saw via Darren Rovell (who unrelatedly has been really annoying me in the last week or two…I’ve almost unfollowed him like three times but stuck around because two or three times a day he points things out that are very interesting) that 95% of the action is on the Jets. Considering that the line hasn’t shifted drastically, this means Vegas is betting on the Broncos and I’d rather be on that side than the public’s. Broncos cover as I brace for disaster and an angry GChat from my friend Teller, a die hard Jets fan.

Asif: I’m immensely disappointed that Rex Ryan only got three days to game plan for Tim Tebow, not that it’s that hard to do. With Knowshon Moreno gone for the season and Willis McGahee likely out this week, the Broncos offense is reduced to Tim Tebow running right, Tim Tebow running left, and Tim Tebow running up the middle. This is going to be fun. Jets cover.

Save the Fart Jokes

I was unaware that today was American Censorship Day. Apparently our cogresscritters have gotten together to discuss a spate of truly terrible laws that would essentially neuter all the fun stuff on the internet. Apparently, they’re also very close to passing a few of these horrendous crimes against free speech well meaning, but horribly misguided acts, because if there’s one thing that both parties in this country can agree on, it’s curbing free speech. In case you need more proof that I’m not trying to spam you, you can read more about what’s going on at Uproxx and the Volokh Conspiracy. I would encourage you to petition your congressperson as well. There are some things that we absolutely must stand up for, and the right of bloggers  to mock copyrighted material is one of them.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled fart jokes.

Slow Day…

Today is a bit of a slow news day, so I figured I’d point you in the direction of a guest post I did at Ryan’s blog about the Phillies signing of Jonathan Papelbon. It’s largely devoid of fart jokes so take what you will from that. Enjoy. (It’s the second post on the homepage)

New ‘Friday’? Why Not?

For an Indian kid growing up in the whitest part of Hartford County, CT, Ice Cube’s movie Friday was a revelation when I first watched it at the age of 12 (a few years after it came out). Black people existed! They lived in Los Angeles! And marijuana seemed totally awesome! 12 years, two sequels, and a million family movies starring Ice Cube later, I’ve mostly forgotten about how much I enjoyed Friday. That’s why I find myself a bit torn about the prospect of a new sequel.

New Line Cinema is in talks with Ice Cube to write, produce and star in another installment of theFriday series. Cube could be in line to direct it as well, but all that is being worked out. A TMZ report says that Chris Tucker as being in serious talks to reprise his role in the film. They have had discussions and Cube wants him, I’m told, but it’s unclear whether that part is a reality.

Remember when Ice Cube was the scariest black man in America? Go back and listen to all the albums he released before 1998. Now he does movies like Are We There Yet?. IT would be nice to see Ice play Craig Jones one last time, so long as Craig isn’t married and dealing with kids. Oh and speaking of pussies…

For one thing, when I interviewed Tucker several years ago for Playboy, he told me that because of his religion, he was reticent to be depicted in the pot smoking mode as his character Smokey was in the original film. He went as far as to say that he probably now wouldn’t have taken that memorable stint in Quentin Tarantino’s Jackie Brown, because of the verbal explosion of profanity and liberal use of the “N” word. Stay tuned.

Really dude?

Gregg Easterbrook Doesn’t Get Penn State

When we last left immense waste of space and occasional football commentator Gregg Easterbrook he was explaining to us how dancing in the backfield is the best way to gain one yard, because its worked so well for Reggie Bush. He also failed to grasp the concept of a fictional city, or how shooting on location works. All in all it was par for the course in an Easterbrook column.

So what’s on tap for this week? Watch as Gregg explains why you really need to go see football games in person. What, you don’t have an extra $200 lying around so you can spend a day at the stadium? Get a job assh*le. Read on, because you really have to see this column in person.

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