Gregg Easterbrook Doesn’t Get Penn State

When we last left immense waste of space and occasional football commentator Gregg Easterbrook he was explaining to us how dancing in the backfield is the best way to gain one yard, because its worked so well for Reggie Bush. He also failed to grasp the concept of a fictional city, or how shooting on location works. All in all it was par for the course in an Easterbrook column.

So what’s on tap for this week? Watch as Gregg explains why you really need to go see football games in person. What, you don’t have an extra $200 lying around so you can spend a day at the stadium? Get a job assh*le. Read on, because you really have to see this column in person.

The Wall Street Journal recently reported that the NFL will not release to the public “All-22” game video — high-angle shots that show all players on the field. The A22 views are so super-secret, the Journal maintained, that only NFL coaches and a few network insiders are allowed to glimpse them.

Psssssst, buddy — wanna see what all 22 players are doing? Attend a game.

Yeah, because you can really see everything that’s going on from the nosebleed seats in the right corner of the endzone. What’s that? You can’t afford box seats? Stupid plebe.

In this era of wall-sized high-def plasma televisions, watching football on the tube has never been better. But to understand what’s really happening, you must trek to a stadium and plunk into a seat.

Again, you can’t see sh*t from the seats that most people of normal means can afford.

At games, your columnist rarely watches the ball. Attend a game and force yourself to take your eyes away from the ball. Watch the line play or the secondary — you’ll see football in a whole new light. You may be able to point to who will catch the pass before the pass leaves the quarterback’s hands. With practice, you may be able to point to who the ball with go to even before the snap, simply by seeing the All-22 perspective on how both sides line up.

You can also do this by watching TV. It’s harder, sure, but also a lot cheaper.

The single most important thing the league could do to improve the game-day experience is devote as much effort to getting cars out afterward as to getting cars in before.

Yes, that, or make it affordable to go to a game in the first place.

People tend to remember the last thing that happened. For those who attend an NFL game, the contest may be great, while often the last thing that happens is a two-hour gridlock at the exit ramps because no one is directing traffic.

Has anyone ever felt like their game day experience was ruined by post-game traffic? Anyone?

Regarding Penn State, in advertising that aired during the Penn State-Nebraska contest on Saturday, Rodney Erickson, the university’s interim president, began by declaring, “My heart goes out to those who have been victimized.”

Wait — how does Penn State know there are victims? A retired Penn State football coach is accused of pedophilia, while fired Penn State officials are accused of perjury and failing to report child abuse. Arrests aren’t proof, and accusations may be false; whether the alleged crimes occurred must be decided by a judge or jury. The legal system has not yet determined if in this case there exists a group of “those who have been victimized.”

Look, I get innocent until proven guilty, but this has to be the single douchiest paragraph written about Penn State that a) wasn’t written by a Penn State student or alum or b) wasn’t written by a NAMBLA member.

Yet the school’s interim president spoke of child molestation at Penn State as factually established. So what does Penn State know that it is not telling? If Penn State already knows there are in fact victims, this scandal is even worse.

*slaps head with palm* The whole point of a cover up, which it pretty obvious there was, is that they knew that there were victims. That’s why Joe Paterno was fired? What is about this whole issue that you don’t understand?

Erickson’s “those who have been victimized” statement makes sense only if the college was in possession of proof of child molestation well before the moment, about 10 days ago, when the grand jury presentment was unsealed and arrests occurred. The presentment and the arrests in and of themselves prove nothing, while Penn State could not possibly have gotten to the full truth of the matter in just 10 days. So if Penn State already knows children have been “victimized,” the cover-up is worse than assumed. And if Penn State already knowschildren were victimized, then the Penn State interim president went on television to ask for the nation’s sympathy, yet is not disclosing everything he knows about the school’s involvement.

Or they knew about the grand jury presentment before it was unsealed. That and Mike McQueary told Joe Paterno that he saw a kid getting molested so clearly Penn State knew something was going on. Hence the dismissal of Joe Paterno and the school’s president. Again, did you read any coverage of this whole scandal before writing your column?

In other football news, the Houston Texans are 7-3 and have the league’s No. 1-ranked defense. The Lone Star NFL teams, sputtering in recent years, combined Sunday to outscore opponents 81-16. I was planning to write an item predicting something no one in the local space-time continuum has ever predicted — that the Texans would make the Super Bowl. Now, with Matt Schaub reportedly out for the season, the Moo Cows are more likely once again to miss the playoffs

Really? I know that Matt Leinart sucks, but who’s going to catch Houston in the AFC South? Tennessee? Yeah, right.

In Tuesday Morning Quarterback news, half the season is in the books, meaning I am heading into my bye week. There will be no regular column next Tuesday, though a modest reminder of TMQ will appear. I am taking my own advice and attending an NFL game, Chargers versus Bears in Chicago. I will use the bye week to get healthy, draw up no-huddle sentence structures, and continue to seek corporate sponsors for my celebrity Yahtzee tournament. The regular column resumes on Nov. 29.


Stats of the Week No. 2: Cam Newton was 25-1 in college and is 2-7 in the pros.

It’s almost as if he went from playing on a really good team to a really bad one!

Sweet Play of the Week: Nobody draws ’em up better than Gary Kubiak.

Five years of Texans mediocrity prove otherwise.

TMQ Readers Know Too Much: I noted Mike Shanahan had a sterling won-loss record when John Elway was his quarterback, but has been an average NFL coach with anyone else. Mike Glowacki of Centreville, Md., writes, “As an NFL head coach, Bill Belichick is 131-40 with Tom Brady as his quarterback and 52-63 with anyone else. If you want to be a great coach in the National Football League, it may help to have a great quarterback.”


Start the Cave Man: The 1-7 Dolphins facing second-and-goal from the Redskins 1, guard Rich Incognito pulled left and wiped out megabucks Washington safety LaRon Landry; left tackle Jake Long wiped out Geico celebrity linebacker Brian Orakpo; Reggie Bush jogged left for an untouched touchdown.

I would like to point out that Gregg deliberately insults LaRon Landry and Brian Orakpo for being high-paid, high profile players while conveniently failing to mention the fact that Jake Long was a first overall pick and Reggie Bush went second overall. I wonder why?

Counting the Donovan McNabb and Jason Campbell trades he made upon arrival, at Washington, Mike Shanahan has changed starting quarterbacks four times in 25 games. Could this possibly be a reason The Ultimate Leader is 9-16 with the Redskins? After the loss to Miami, Shanahan said he would begin making starting quarterback decisions “week to week.”

To be fair, with those as your options, you’re not going to do much better than 9-16 no matter who you play at QB.

Next week, Penn State plays Ohio State in a battle of scandal-plagued programs. The thought of these two facing off ought to send chills through the NCAA,

It should, but the NCAA is the most soulless, corrupt organization in sports. By the way, the Ohio State scandal was about players getting free tattoos, the Penn State scandal is about a coach molesting children. I’m going to go ahead and say that they aren’t even in the same stratosphere in terms of controversy.

At Penn State, one of two must be the case: Either the accusations are false or they are true.

Thanks for explaining how allegations work, Gregg! Who knew?

Some Penn State Kids Are Setting a Better Example Than the Grown-Ups:

Except for that whole rioting part…

The Basketball Gods Chortled: A promo for the North Carolina-Michigan State basketball contest held aboard the USS Carl Vinson declared it was the first sporting event ever staged on “an active aircraft carrier.” Perhaps it is just as well that jets did not land during the game.

You can cut the douchieness in that sentence with a knife.

This year, TMQ has been calling the club the Philadelphia Heat, owing to its Heat-like aggregation of expensive stars who don’t perform.

The Miami Heat made the NBA Finals. The Philadelphia Eagles will not make the playoffs. Your comparison is now stupid and irrelevant.

Taking possession with 1:46 remaining and one timeout, Philadelphia showed no urgency to snap the ball, casually jogging into formation rather than sprinting — exactly as the Andy Reid’s team showed no urgency when trailing late in their Super Bowl date versus New England. The Philadelphia fight song, “Fly Eagles Fly,” might as well be rewritten as “Jog Eagles Jog.”

It’s almost as if teams coached by Andy Reid don’t understand how to managed the clock! I for one am SHOCKED!

When patrons in Hell’s sports bar tried to change the channel to watch Tim Tebow, divine lightning came out of the satellite dish.

Actually I’m pretty sure being in Hell’s sports bar would entail watching Tebow sail pass after pass with his stupid throwing motion. And yes, I get the joke Gregg was trying to make, I just chose to ignore it, like when he ignores when high draft picks play well.


Posted on November 15, 2011, in Douchebags, FJM Style, Gregg Easterbrook, NFL and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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