Gregg Easterbrook Definitely Got Picked On in High School

When we last left preachy pile of garbage Gregg Easterbrook… he was taking a week off for Thanksgiving. Why couldn’t he just stay gone?

Unfortunately, Gregg is back this week, and he’s here to explain the Broncos’ winning streak to all you simpletons out there. No it doesn’t have anything to do with weak competition, luck, or even an act of God (who apparently is both Tim Tebow’s father and his wife). It’s because they run a high school offense! Read on and marvel in the stupidity.

Everybody be at the pep rally after school — senior Tim Tebow is leading Denver Broncos High School to state! Yeah!

If the season ended today the Broncos would not make the playoffs.

Denver is, improbably, the NFL’s hottest team outside Wisconsin, 5-1 since Tebow took the reins.

Atlanta is 5-1 over the same stretch, so is Chicago.

Those fans in the bleachers who’d been chanting for Tebow — they were right.

GUH. Small sample size, six good weeks against sub-par competition does not make Tim Tebow a great QB. I’ve come around on Tebow, he’s fun to watch, but Gregg is definitely doing his best to make me hate Tebow again.

The Broncos are tearing up the NFL using high school tactics. A week ago, defeating the Jets, Denver was running the option while Jersey/B was quick-snapping for hitch screens. It was high school versus college from a tactics standpoint: High school won on a crazed quarterback scramble by Tebow for a 20-yard touchdown. Denver had 229 total yards of offense and 11 first downs — a prep-game stat. Yet the Broncos prevailed.

Most people would look at those stats and assume that the Broncos won in spite of their terrible offense not because of it; not Gregg. Let this serve as your weekly reminder that Gregg gets paid for this nonsense.

The zone-read option Denver used for much of the game against the Chargers was straight out of “Friday Night Lights,” or at least, what’s been trendy under Friday night lights in recent seasons. Repeatedly, Tebow held the ball in front of the tailback and read the unblocked defensive lineman: That’s the “read” part of a zone-read rush. If the lineman moved toward the tailback, Tebow kept the ball, often executing the old-fashioned “midline option” on which the tailback leads into the hole and the quarterback follows. On Denver’s final drive in overtime, Broncos High School ran the zone-read option run on three consecutive snaps, resulting in 40 yards gained and field position for the winning field goal.

Easterbrook spends way too much time watching high school football.

Denver’s victory over San Diego was aided by spectacular play from Von Miller — see below. Tebow continues to be Tebow: He does things that make purists wince, but when the double whistle sounds, his team has more points than the other team.

One could argue that the Broncos would do even better if they had a quarterback capable of fitting his throws inside a 10-foot window around his receivers, but what the hell: TEBOW IS MAGIC.

And the Broncos were aided by yet another example of passive decision-making by San Diego’s Norv Turner, who is the George McClellan of the NFL. With 42 seconds showing in regulation, San Diego had the ball on its 30, holding a timeout. Turner decided to exhaust the clock and proceed to overtime — when all the Bolts needed was a field goal! Not one chance in a million Bill Belichick or Sean Payton makes that call. It’s a sign of how far out of touch Turner is that he told the San Diego Union-Tribune of the docile decision, “I think we did the right thing.”

Ugh. I hate it when I have to agree with Gregg.

Fun Tebow note: reader Derek Knowlton of Layton, Utah, points out that owing to the run-oriented game plans of Broncos High School, Tebow does not have enough pass attempts to appear in the NFL’s quarterback rankings. If Tebow were ranked, “His current NFL passer rating of 80.5 is better than Joe Flacco, Michael Vick and Matt Cassel. His average of one touchdown per 17.9 passes is better than Tony Romo, Ben Roethlisberger and Jay Cutler. His one interception in 143 attempts is the lowest interception rate in the NFL, lower even than Aaron Rodgers.”

Could this be due to the fact that he never throws any passes? Also, it’s hard to intercept the ball when it’s spiked into the ground 10 feet in front of you or sails 15 feet over everyone’s head.

Now that defensive coordinators have film of Tebow running the offense seen on Friday nights, its effectiveness is likely to decline. But until then — hey kids, don’t miss the next Broncos High School game! Buy some baked goods to support the drum line! Vote for our team to be featured on local access cable! See you at the car-hop drive-in afterward!

Where the f#$k did you go to high school?

Anytime 6-6 Jimmy Graham of New Orleans lines up wide against a cornerback, expect a “bang” slant — the ball is zinged in as soon as he steps across the line of scrimmage. New Orleans leading Jersey/A 7-3 on Monday Night Football, the Saints faced second-and-goal on the Giants’ 5. Graham lined up wide, across from 5-11 corner Aaron Ross. There was no linebacker to jam Graham, who took one step forward and one step diagonally — the shortest, fastest possible slant — and the ball for there for a touchdown. It wasn’t just a bang slant, it was a bang! slant. Ross never made contact with Graham, rather, just stood watching.

I F@#$KING HATE AARON ROSS

Anytime a Houston quarterback pivots and bootlegs — probably it will be a quarterback named Matt, right now the Texans are scouring the streets for more quarterbacks named Matt —

HURRRRRR

Stats of the Week No. 4: Cincinnati is on a 7-1 streak against Cleveland at home.

 Wow, who knew that Cleveland sucked really bad??
Sour Play of the Week: Buffalo’s Stevie Johnson caught a touchdown pass to put the Bills ahead 14-7 at Jersey/B. Johnson proceeded to make himself look like an idiot by mimicking the Jets’ Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg, then was flagged when he dropped to the ground to suggest a jet crashing. TMQ hates the celebration rule — Golden Tate of Seattle also was flagged for dropping to the ground after scoring. But even if that silly rule did not exist, Johnson taunting an opponent was unsportsmanlike conduct.
No, it was hilarious and he should have been rewarded for it, not punished. Everyone should be allowed to mock Plaxico Burress as mercilessly as they want because he’s an idiot. What’s that you say? No, I’m not at all bitter about the 2008 season. What makes you think that?
Monday Night Football Analysis: Sometimes teams are guilty of “looking ahead” to the next game. Were the Giants looking ahead to their date with the Packers? They sure weren’t looking at the New Orleans Saints, who embarrassed them badly. With three straight losses and near-flawless Green Bay up next, the clock is about to strike midnight on Jersey/A’s season.
Worst Game Ever. By the way, the Giants season is far from over, they still have two games left against Dallas and one against Washington which will be critical. Also, Chicago is starting Caleb Hanie, so it’s not out of the question that the Giants catch the Bears.
In Praise of Television: I opined that football games are better appreciated if you attend. Howard Tozzo of Harlingen, Texas, counters, “While sophisticated football watchers such as TMQ readers can better understand a game if they are in attendance,
#humblebrag
At Unhappy Hour in Hell’s sports bar, the cheese fondue is free, but they pour it on you. Hell’s sports bar did not see any of fabulous Broncos-Bolts or Jets-Bills endings, but did see every snap of 2-8 Carolina at 0-10 Indianapolis
The NFL Red Zone channel showed an inordinate amount of this game as well. CURTIS PAINTER IS AWFUL.
Don’t Look Back! Atlanta leading 24-14 with six minutes remaining, Percy Harvin of the Vikes legged a kickoff 104 yards — but did not score. Chris Owens of the Falcons caught Harvin — a high No. 1 draft pick as a speed merchant — from behind at the Atlanta 3. Harvin turned to look behind him as he approached the goal line, perhaps hoping for the glorious view of all defenders having quit.
Or maybe he wanted to see if someone was chasing him so he could adjust his route to avoid getting tackled? Funny how Gregg always assumes the worst about highly drafted black athletes.
Jackson has been the leading Obama administration supporter of stricter regulations to discourage gasoline and coal consumption. On the right this is described as a disaster — Monday’s Wall Street Journal editorial page slammed Jackson for favoring fuel efficiency. Just as the left’s global warming alarms are overblown,
They aren’t, but then again Gregg has been peddling this both sides do it nonsense for years, doesn’t make sense for him to stop now.
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk: Trailing 13-6, Kansas City faced fourth-and-2 on the Pittsburgh 22 halfway through the fourth quarter. The Chiefs’ home crowd was roaring at military-afterburner decibels. The Flintstones had lost three straight; at 4-6, they had to win to revive a once-promising season
When was the Chief’s season considered promising?
Next Week: The Giants denied perfection to New England; will they deny perfection to Green Bay?
Let me answer this right now: NO.
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Posted on November 30, 2011, in Douchebags, FJM Style, Gregg Easterbrook, NFL and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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