Gregg Easterbrook Explains the Packers

When we last left over-smug connoisseur of his own farts Gregg Easterbrook he was explaining how Tim Tebow wins football games (Jesus and high school!).

So what’s on tap for this week? Gregg is here to explain the Packers success to all of you morons out there. I bet it has something to do with the discount double check! *throws out hip trying to do championship belt celebration* Read on if you feel like it.

The Green Bay Packers have won 18 consecutive games, and Sunday required just 58 seconds to drive 68 yards for the game-winning kick against Jersey/A, overcoming the defense and the home-crowds din as though neither were there.

This is because Jacquian Williams and Will Blackmon are the worst. I hate them.

What are the Packers’ secrets? First, the personnel:

Huh, who knew that good players were the secret to winning football games?

• Great players: All championship teams must have a few. Rodgers and Charles Woodson will be Hall of Famers. If they continue to perform at their current levels, Clay Matthews and B.J. Raji could be, too.

These players were all first-round picks, just keep this in mind…

• Undrafted players: The Packers have 16 on their roster — Jarrett Bush, Tom Crabtree, Evan Dietrich-Smith, Ray Dominguez, Rob Francois, Brett Goode, Ryan Grant, John Kuhn, Jamari Lattimore, Tim Masthay, Brandon Saine, Sam Shields, Shaky Smithson, Vic So’oto, Tramon Williams and Frank Zombo. Football is a team sport, and for team sports, little-known role players are as important as great players. Unlike highly drafted crybabies who think the rules don’t apply to them — Exhibit A, the Detroit Lions — undrafted players listen to the coaches and give you what they’ve got.

Ahhh there it is. Yes, those highly drafted crybabies like Aaron Rodger, Clay Matthews and Charles Woodson are no more important than guys like Ryan Grant who are IRREPLACEABLE. What happened to Ryan Grant last season? I can’t recall how that all turned out for Green Bay…

• Green Bay won the Brett Favre mess: Had the Packers not shown Favre the door, Rodgers would have departed. Offloading the franchise’s most accomplished player was wrenching. Leaders make decisions for the future rather than the present — if only those in Washington, D.C., thought this way — and Green Bay made a smart decision for the future regarding Favre.

Everyone with  brain realized this at the time.

• The only NFL roster with five tight ends, as TMQ has noted before: Green Bay has five tight ends, and has won 18 straight games. Why don’t other NFL teams notice this rudimentary fact? Multiple tight ends allow for multiple offensive sets that confuse defensive game plans. All contemporary defensive coordinators have some experience dealing with multiple wide receiver sets. Most don’t have experience dealing with multiple tight end sets.

Remind me how often all five of those tight ends get used on offense? Oh that’s right the Pacers use three of them at the most because the REST ARE SPECIAL TEAMS PLAYERS. Hey, other NFL teams, you should definitely carry five tight ends because this is the sole reason that the Packers are undefeated.

Plus Rodgers is handsome. Just as the football gods are propitiated by cheerleaders with sex appeal, the gods also smile on handsome quarterbacks. Rodgers, Tom Brady, Cam Newton, Drew Brees — it may not be fair, but this seems to be the way it is.

Totally true. This is why David Carr is the greatest quarterback to have ever played.

• Bicycles: Packers players ride bicycles to the opening of camp, an annual summer ritual attended by thousands of children. Cheesy? Well, it is Wisconsin. Corny? Gets the season off on a fun note. And Packers faithful sure are having fun.

Dear Giants, I will buy all of you bicycles if you use them to run over Aaron Ross.

In other football news, Denver Broncos High School won its fifth straight, using prep-flavored offensive tactics. Adjusting for sacks and scrambles, Broncos coaches called 19 passes and 30 rushes. Minnesota coaches called 53 passes and 29 rushes. The high school approach prevailed.

Because Christian Ponder threw a God-awful interception at the end of the game. THIS WAS ALL BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH THE BRONCOS RUN THE BALL.

Obviously, Tebow is not a polished passer like Rodgers or Brees. But sportsyak is selling his passing short. Tebow has thrown just one interception, and would lead the league in lowest interception percentage — if the league would allow him into its stats club. See more below.

It is hard to throw interceptions when you don’t pass the ball, which you yourself just noted. Numbers, how do they work?

Sour Play of the Week: Godfrey Daniel, what happened at the end of regulation in Arizona? Game tied, Dallas completed a pass to the Cardinals’ 31 with 26 seconds remaining, holding two timeouts. Dallas let the clock run down to eight seconds, then spiked the ball. Why spike with two timeouts in your pocket? Why didn’t Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett call timeout right away, so there was time for another snap to improve field-goal position? Apparently they don’t teach clock management at Princeton. Then Garrett appeared to ice his own kicker by calling timeout just before his team’s kick was launched — good, but wiped out by the coach’s timeout. Dallas kicked again and this time missed; Arizona prevailed in overtime. Godfrey Daniel!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So when big-college sports programs hire coaches, appeal to the TV audience may mean a lot more than technicalities such as having players in class and getting their degrees. Ohio State just hired Urban Meyer, who has proven TV marketing appeal. According to the News-Suns of Springfield, Ohio, Meyer’s contract includes maximum annual bonuses of $550,000 for victories and $150,000 for players’ academic achievements. This suggests that football is 3.7 times more important than education at Ohio State.

No shit.

TMQ’s Christmas List: I hope Santa brings me a Potter wand that is an “authentic recreation” — bearing in mind that in this case, the original never actually existed.

Hurr….

Or perhaps Santa will bring a dagger that is an “authentic prop replica.” Since props are, by definition, fakes, this is an “authentic replica” of a fake.

Durr…

Washington has not only put the younger generation on the hook for at least $14 trillion in debt — now young Americans may end up on the hook for money squandered in Europe. TMQ asks again: Why aren’t voters under age 30 outraged about this?

I know! If only there was some kind of movement where a bunch of young people were venting their anger at the stupidity and corruption of financial institutions and the government that enables them… Perhaps this movement could “occupy” public spaces in order to try to get their message heard. Nah, kids are probably too busy playing video games or something.

People speak of an amorphous past Golden Age for the media — when was this, exactly?

Before Megan McArdle wrote for The Atlantic?

Today there are three national 24-hour news channels, plus many local news channels. The New York Times and Wall Street Journal are available for home delivery in most of the country. Most newspapers and magazines are instantly available on the Web, free or at low cost. Most newspaper and many magazine Web pages are updated throughout the day as events unfold, you so don’t have to wait till tomorrow morning to find out what happened. Most of the world’s newspapers are on the Web — it was a major hassle to get ahold of Le Monde or Die Zeit back in that supposed Golden Age. Major newspapers are archived, allowing anyone to do in seconds, from any desk, what took a full day at the library back in that supposed Golden Age. And today many newspapers, major magazines and news organizations, including ESPN, offer mobile access via tablet and smart phone. No person seeking to be informed on current events would exchange the reality of 2011 for any year in the past. Times are tense in the mainstream media, yet this is the best time ever to be a news consumer.

There’s a key word in there, consumer. The news is not something that should be marketed. It should not be a profit-driven endeavor. It should be about the unvarnished truth. Sure you can get all sorts of news today, but most of it is crap. People who watch Fox News are less informed than people who don’t consume any news at all.

What’s really going on may not be the collapse of the mainstream media, rather, just another period of adjustment.

I prefer to call it a lurching towards greater stupidity. By the way, none of this has anything at all to do with football…

That’s six quarterbacks with a legit shot of going in Round 1, plus a realistic shot of at least one Hall of Famer among them.

Nooooo, too many entitled first round picks…

 

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Posted on December 6, 2011, in Douchebags, FJM Style, Gregg Easterbrook, NFL and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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