Gregg Easterbrook Totally Gets the Whole Tim Tebow Thing

When we last left obnoxious windbag Greggggg Easterbrook he was busy explaining the Packers’ dominance to the most feeble minded of us. Five Tight Ends! Aaron Rodgers’ beautiful blue eyes! Other things that are irrelevant! He also probably complained about plot holes in Terra Nova or the space program or something, I honestly stop reading about halfway through the column. Go somewhere else if you want actual effort.

So how could Gregg possibly top last weeks’ idiocy? He’s back with more about Tim Tebow! Read on if you dare (or care)…

God, at 6:48 p.m. ET on Sunday: “Can you cherubim and seraphim hold it down over there? I’m trying to watch the Broncos game.”

Actual God: “waefhreuwai I don’t exist.”

The New York Giants looked finished when they took possession with 5:41 remaining on the road at Dallas, trailing by 12. But never underestimate the ability of the Dallas Cowboys to display low football IQ! Last week, Boys coach Jason Garrett cost his team a game by icing his own kicker. This week Dallas shifted to a two-man rush on the final Jersey/A drive, giving Eli Manning ample time to scan the field. Dallas showed the infamous prevent defense, which prevents only punts. Texas is the center of football culture: Why is the Cowboys’ football IQ so low?

I know! The Cowboys totally should have blitzed more. Gregg if they had blitzed more: “Why did the Cowboys blitz so much on the Giants’ final drive? When you’re up you need to cover! The Cowboys’ football IQ is sooo low… they should read The Atlantic more often.”

Then Bears tailback Marion Barber casually ran out of bounds, stopping the clock. Perhaps they don’t teach football IQ in Illinois, either.

You’re forgetting that Barber spent most of his career in Dallas. The low-IQ of the Cowboys knows no bounds!

The Bears fumble in overtime, and the Broncos can’t seriously hit two consecutive 50-yard-plus, do-or-die field goals!

I know! No way they could possibly win the game that the Bears handed them on a silver platter. By the way, nice of you not to mention Marion Barber by name the second time, Lord knows, Marion’s had a bad enough week as it is.

Denver is hammering opponents with rush after rush in the early part of the game, and seeming not to accomplish much. Then the Broncos switch to attack mode in the fourth quarter, when the defense is tired.

I totally get it now! Marion Barber was so tired from having to tackle Tim Tebow and Willis McGahee for 3+ quarters that he forgot to stay in bounds. He was so exhausted from all the Broncos running that by OT it was really inevitable that he fumbled. Seriosuly, f@#$ck you Marion, had you met the bare minimum level of competence for an NFL running back we wouldn’t have to read this nonsense.

Denver’s use of the high-school-style zone-read option also forces defenses to defend all 11 Broncos players on rushing downs. Usually in the NFL, on a rush down the defense defends only 10 players. Against the Broncos, all 11 offensive players must be defended. By the fourth quarter, defenders are more winded than they would be against a standard offense.

They’re Jesus-winded.

So it’s not just craziness in these Denver comebacks, though craziness surely is a big factor in the entertainment value. It’s tactics. Denver is using tactics that are likely to result in an explosion of yardage late in the game.

This is awesome. Or you know, they could play competently for three quarters like a good NFL team and then they wouldn’t have to stage fourth quarter comebacks every week.

The NCAA recently announced what it billed as a major initiative to put the student back in student-athlete. What’s the bold, visionary goal? That 50 percent of Division I football and men’s basketball players graduate. And the rule doesn’t take effect for five years!

I know! It’s almost like big time college athletics isn’t about school… it’s more like…. what’s the word I’m looking for… A BUSINESS?! What a quaint idea…

African-American players and throwing them away. Last year’s BCS title team, Auburn, graduates only 52 percent of its African-American players. The previous year’s title team, Alabama, graduates 62 percent.

Who knew that African-American’s were disadvantaged in the deep South?

The current NCAA men’s basketball champion, Connecticut, graduates 14 percent of its black players, a figure that is horrendous regardless of early departure for the pros.

Okay, that’s bad, but UCONN’s figure has been reduced in recent years by players getting kicked off the team for crimes (Nate Miles) or choosing to transfer (Ater Majok, Jamal Combs-McDaniels) Considering the size of a basketball roster relative to a football roster, one transfer drops a team’s graduation rate significantly. And yes, I do realize that I’m being apologetic for a team I root for.

Check this photograph from Pittsburg State University of Kansas. Even low-cost, small-scale athletics can generate campus animation.

Not to disparage the people at Pittsburgh State University of campus, but if you’re really excited about your schools’ athletics you might have a problem (maybe a gambling addiction?).

Reader Liam Bradley of Huntington Beach, Calif., writes, “We Colts fans don’t have much going for us this season. We should be able to win something, so I nominate Lauren M. of the Colts as cheerleader of the week.”

F@#$CK YOU COLTS FANS. I HATE YOU ALL MORE THAN I HATE ANYTHING. YOU SHOULD NEVER GET TO WIN ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.

“She says her favorite quote is about dreams coming true, hopefully that means Andrew Luck coming our way.”

THIS IS WHY WE ALL HATE YOU.

Assuming Indianapolis gets the first selection of the draft,

How is this an assumption? It’s a certainty. Unless… is there some rule by which the NFL can take it away from them for blatantly tanking the entire season?

what makes everyone so sure the Colts will choose Luck?

Yeah I know, all the people who get paid to analyze drafts say he’s the best QB prospect since John Elway. They should totally draft someone else.

 And don’t blame the undrafted emergency left tackle. Blame Williams, who took $11 million from the Skins for this season, then seriously messed up.

No I’ll blame the guy who screwed up on this specific play thank you. Trent Williams can be blamed for many things, but unless he has the magical power to make Willie Smith suck, then this isn’t one of them.

In the Atlanta-at-Carolina contest, Panthers coach Ron Rivera wore a heavy parka and ski cap — for a kickoff temperature of 43. He violated the TMQ immutable law, Cold Coach = Victory. And yea, verily, it came to pass that the Panthers lost.

Who knew that this irrelevant piece of information was… nope still irrelevant

 Four NFL teams — Green Bay, Houston, New England and New Orleans — routinely use multiple tight end sets. Their combined record is 43-9. Why does the rest of the league not notice? P.S.: It’s working for Stanford, too.

Maybe they don’t have two good tight ends?

One reason business executives CEOs get away with big rewards for doing a bad job is that the money is called “compensation,” as if CEOs were philanthropists performing some exalted service to humanity. Fortune 500 firms call what they give workers “pay,” and call what they give CEOs “compensation.” Politicians and boards of directors play along, using the lofty word “compensation,” as if the CEO had honored the firm by boarding the private jet. The media play along too. This New York Times article on the federal report blasting subsidized CEO bonuses used the word “compensation” 12 times.

Yes, it has nothing to do with a culture of corruption, in which government is completely in the pocket of big business and beholden to special interests, resulting in regulation which is largely toothless. It’s all about use of the word “compensation.” seriously Gregg, just stop trying to enter these debates, all you do is detract from them.

Why do CEO pay themselves outrageous amounts for poor performance? Usually the answer is: Because they can. Public companies need boards of directors to protect shareholders, rather than rubber-stamping management greed. Subsidized companies such as Fannie, Freddie and General Motors should have their top management pay voted on by Congress, to force the people’s representatives to go on the record about giveaways. Journalists and professors of economics should stop using the silly euphemism “compensation” and start referring to “CEO pay.”

Holy s@#$t how dumb are you? You point out a major reason behind poor CEO performance and rather than say that’s what it is you instead use it as supporting evidence for your inane “compensation” vs “pay” argument? Also, NOT FOOTBALL.

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Posted on December 14, 2011, in Douchebags, FJM Style, Gregg Easterbrook, NFL and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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