A Very Gregg Easterbrook Christmas to You Too

I have to start by apologizing for running my weekly mocking of the Tuesday Gregg Easterbrook Garbage Pile of Irrelevant Facts, Half Baked Theories, and NOT FOOTBALL, but I’ve been busy spending the last few days in a light alcoholic bliss. But eventually I figured that I do have to pay some attention to writing this blog so here we are…

When we last left self-righteous white person Gregg Easterbrook, he was busy explaining how sucking for three quarters and then playing competently was actually a GENIUS tactical move on the part of the Broncos. He also probably said some stuff about space or denied climate change, I don’t know, a man can only take so much abuse.

So what’s on tap for this week? A very special Christmas themed column! As always Hanukkah will not be mentioned, since as we all know, Gregg is a raging anti-semite (just a guess here). Read on, if you have the stomach for it…

The question has been out there for generations: Why would anyone want a partridge in a pear tree for Christmas?

F#ck if I know, I’m not a Christian, I don’t know how you people think.

The song was performed in Central Park on Sunday — drawing a crowd — by the State Street Singers, an a cappella group consisting of alumni of Yale’s Whiffenpoofs and of the singing clubs of Cornell and Duke universities.

Further proof that a cappella sucks: Gregg enjoys it.

To appreciate the original 12 Days of Christmas ballad, sing it beginning on Christmas Day. Traditional observance of the 12 Days of Christmas began on Dec. 25 and concluded on Jan. 5, known as Twelfth Night, as in the play title. Interspersed around the traditional 12 Days are the Feast of the Epiphany, the Feast of the Innocents and the Feast of St. Stephen. They did a lot of feasting in bygone years: Now we just eat constantly, but it’s never special.

Yeah, you fat stupid heathens, remember to thank Christ next time you eat a meal dammit.

Why the many repeating verses? It’s thought the original 12 Days of Christmas song was sung in France — hence the red-legged partridge — in the 18th century, as a challenge song. The leader would keep adding verses, which the audience had to repeat in order. When a mistake was made, the game was lost; if you sang all 12 verses without forgetting any, the game was won. Of course had there been Internet marketing in the 18th century, the original song would have contained sponsored product placements.

WORST GAME EVER. Also, product placement never existed before the internet: FACT. Don’t even try to look it up.

For the Colts the equation is simple: They want the first choice in the 2012 draft. Now, at 1-13, Indianapolis might see the 2-12 Vikings, or as a long shot the 2-12 Rams, sneak into pole position. With just two games remaining, Colts, don’t mess up and win again!

This will serve as your semi weekly reminder that the Colts tanked the season to get Andrew Luck. Feel free to punch anyone you see wearing a Colts jersey right in the gut. They totally deserve it.

The Packers needed a warning shot. Several teams with precision passing games that seemed unstoppable in the regular season, most recently the 2007 and 2010 Patriots, faltered in the playoffs when the pressure cranked up. Green Bay faithful will say the problem at Kansas City was injuries to Greg Jennings and three of the team’s offensive tackles. It’s more than that — the Chiefs found some Packers weaknesses.

Namely that they were missing Greg Jennings and three of the guys who protect Aaron Rodgers.

Sacks threw Aaron Rodgers off his ultra-precision approach.

Those offensive tackles sure would have helped in that capacity.

Once Kansas City held a lead, it was able to power-rush against the (relatively) lightweight Green Bay front seven, the Chiefs often using trap pulls to spring a runner outside.

Kansas City’s leading rusher on the day: Thomas Jones with 48 yards. Total rushing offense: 139 yards. KC won because Kyle Orton was money: 23/31 299 pass yds, and their defense knocked the sh*t out of Aaron Rodgers, likely made easier by the fact that the Packers were missing three offensive tackles. I know that your intended audience is people too stupid and lazy to read a box score, but you might want to check it out yourself, Gregg.

On the goal-line play that gave the hosts their 19th point (they won 19-14), Kansas City fielded a jumbo set with three tight ends. Green Bay could not reply, because the Packers don’t have the personnel to go jumbo on defense. Green Bay fielded four defensive linemen, plus two linebackers in the submarine stance. Kansas City won that confrontation easily.

Still no mention of Kyle Orton and those 299 passing yards.

The Green Bay defense is built on the assumption the Packers will jump to a quick lead and then need to stop the pass as opponents try to come back. What if the Packers don’t jump to a quick lead? Green Bay carries only seven defensive linemen on its roster, versus the NFL norm of eight or nine. The Packers often show a pass-focused 2-3-6 or 2-4-5 defensive alignment. Faced with a power rushing strategy in the second half, they looked unprepared.

JUST SAY KYLE ORTON’S NAME DAMMIT.

Now that the final undefeated team has fallen, I will reproduce from my AutoText, changing only a few specifics, the item TMQ runs annually when the final undefeated falls — and will continue to run annually, since I believe no NFL team ever will finish 19-0. My heirs will be using this item!

This almost (almost) makes me wish the Patriots had finished 19-0 (almost).

At 4:06 p.m. ET on Sunday, as the Packers left the field in Kansas City mumbling “#@%*!” under their breaths, corks popped. In one of the sweetest traditions in sports lore, on opening day of every NFL season, each surviving member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the sole perfect team in modern pro football history, sets aside a bottle of champagne to cool. And it’s genuine champagne from the French province of Champagne, not the boysenberry-infused sparkling-gewurztraminer wine-like substance that passes for bubbly these days. At the moment the stadium clock hits all-naughts for the vanquishing of the season’s last undefeated team, the 1972 Dolphins pull the corks, secure in the knowledge that they will reign as the sole perfect team for at least one more year. Gentlemen of 1972, enjoy your annual draught. TMQ feels confident you will continue to sip champagne each season until you are called to meet the football gods, and greeted by song and feasting.

The fact that Gregg celebrates the dickishness of the 1972 Dolphins is completely unsurprising.

Nobody’s ever going to finish 19-0. But then I also said nobody’s going to break the Dan Marino record of 5,084 passing yards in a season, and that prediction appears headed down the memory hole.

I am certain of this prediction. Hey! check out this other prediction I made that is going to turn out totally wrong.

Why was there no Minnesota linebacker on the offensive left? That’s the Vikings’ problem.

Huh?

The Cardinals have at least a slim hope of the playoffs.

No. They don’t.

Tim Tebow has signed to play the Jimmy Stewart role, across from Charlize Theron, in a big-budget remake of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” The action will shift from a savings-and-loan in Bedford Falls to Fannie Mae headquarters. Also, last week he entered a chemistry lab at 9 a.m. By 2 p.m. he had broken all the test tubes, accidentally let loose Ebola virus and set the building on fire. Seconds before the power failed at 11:59 p.m., he had discovered the cure for cancer.

Gregg, you’re not funny, just stick to what you know: mistaking correlation for causation and making proclamations on subjects you have no expertise in.

Indeed, Mark Schlabach christened Graham “the new president of the Liars Club.” Arizona State obviously knew it was hiring a promise-breaker. Arizona State, could your standards be any lower? Potential football recruits — if you sign with Arizona State knowing the coach is a liar, you’ll have only yourself to blame.

This line of argument is idiotic. Would anyone in any profession turn down more money out of some ill conceived notion of loyalty? If Sports Illustrated came to Gregg and offered him $2MM as part of their mission to create a two-headed fountain of stupidity consisting of him and Peter King would Gregg even pause for a minute before telling ESPN to go f@#ck themselves? Of course not. So why hold college football coaches to a different standard. Schools fire coaches with no remorse or loyalty, so why should coaches show more loyalty than colleges are willing to show themselves. I get that people get butthurt over coaches leaving their favorite schools, but grow the f@#ck up already.
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Posted on December 22, 2011, in Douchebags, FJM Style, Gregg Easterbrook, NFL and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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