Watch Gregg Easterbrook Spend Over 500 Words Making a Non Argument

I didn’t write a Gregg Easterbrooking last week, mostly because I was busy, but also because it was Gregg’s annual All-Unwanted Issue, which was just too much Easterbrook for even me to handle. But in any case, I’m back this week to poke fun at Gregg’s self-righteous dipshitery. Read on, intrepid internet explorers!

The Green Bay Packers not only just became the first team ever to finish last in defense yet have the league’s best record — Green Bay became the first team to finish last in defense and make the playoffs, period.

Last in defense, home-field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs. This seems unprecedented until one looks over to the other conference, in which the New England Patriots finished second to last in the league in defense, yet won home-field throughout the AFC playoffs.

More proof that measuring defense by yards allowed is stupid. Both teams are still bad by Football Outsiders DVOA (Green Bay 24th, NE 30th), but I’ll allow Gregg to state his case before getting all verklempft.

Green Bay and New England not only finished at the top of the heap with bad defenses statistically, they are on a combined 48-7 streak. Offense sells tickets, defense wins championships?

If it seems like Gregg is relying on a teeny tiny sample to make his point, it’s because he is. The 2nd seeds in each conference, Baltimore and San Francisco are 1st and 3rd in DVOA respectively. In fact, of all 12 playoff teams, only 4 (NYG, NO, GB, NE) are in the bottom half of the league in defense. So is defense irrelevant? Quite simply put, there’s no way to tell. But by all means continue down this road.

But if you’d rather watch offense than defense, if 44-41 sounds like more fun to you than 13-10, this is your year! Will purist football or pass-wacky assert itself in the playoffs? The top four defenses — Pittsburgh, Houston, Baltimore and San Francisco — all made the postseason. We’ll soon find out if defense still wins championships.

Well gee, thanks for wasting our time with your ridiculous argument, which proves nothing.

In other football news, it is official that the Colts want Andrew Luck — or maybe Robert Griffin.

UGH. People need to stop with the Robert Griffin going 1st overall nonsense. Griffin will be a good NFL QB, but there’s no way the Colts are taking a 6’1” scrambler with the next Peyton Manning staring them in the face. So, just stop.

But Cruz is not in the Pro Bowl. Voting closes after the 14th game — and in the final two regular-season contests, Cruz had 342 yards receiving plus touchdowns of 99 and 74 yards. There has never been a better example of Tuesday Morning Quarterback’s contention that Pro Bowl voting should not close until the regular season is over — till we know what’s happened.

I would care if the Pro Bowl were in any way relevant.

I did my All-Unwanted All-Pros this season after 14 games in keeping with the Pro Bowl metric, and though I had Cruz on the first team, Doug Baldwin was my Unwanted Player of the Year. Had I waited till the season ended, Cruz would have been the man. Denied twice! Denied the Pro Bowl, and TMQ recognition.

I’m sure Victor Cruz gives a damn about your fake award.

The opening-round pairing of 12-4 Pittsburgh at 8-8 Denver is more evidence of TMQ’s longstanding contention that the NFL playoffs should be a seeded tournament, like the NCAA basketball tournaments. If the postseason were seeded, the Steelers would be hosting the Broncos. Pittsburgh won four more games than Denver did — shouldn’t the Steelers host?

Holy Shit, I actually agree for once! I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut every so often.

Stats of the Week No. 3: Since waiving Albert Haynesworth, the Patriots are 8-0. Since claiming Haynesworth, the Buccaneers are 0-8. Noted by reader Greg Willis of Chesterfield, Mo.

HAH! Albert Haynesworth is football AIDS

Now it’s the real game, scoreless, Giants facing third-and-9 on their 5. Ryan sends a corner blitz — since the typical NFL play gains about five yards, straight defense is likely to result in a stop

Christ, do you understand how statistics work? The average NFL play gains 5 yards, against any type of defense, that’s how averages work. Perhaps however, the average against a corner blitz is less, especially in this type of situation? Is that a possibility?

Now the Giants lead 7-0 and have second-and-goal on the Dallas 5. Again Ryan sends a big blitz — his defensive calls are about drawing attention to himself, not about winning. Abram Elam misses a tackle in the backfield, Nicks pastes Newsman (Sic) and Ahmad Bradshaw walks into the end zone.

So his play call worked, except a player failed to execute? ROB RYAN DOES NOT CARE ABOUT WINNING!

Atlanta is 22-3 when it features the run and Michael Turner rushes for at least 100 yards. Of course, some of those games are ones in which Turner got carries because the Falcons had a second-half lead. But the Falcons are trying to be too fancy; they need to go back to basics.

Michael Turner’s DVOA? -2.5%. The Falcons throw a lot because they have to. Anyone who’s watched a single Falcon’s game this season could tell you that. Just a reminder, Gregg is paid to write about football.

If Denver is to go anywhere in the playoffs, Broncs coach John Fox must end his ultra-conservative ways. Kansas City leading 7-3, Denver punted on fourth-and-7 with 2:37 remaining, holding only one timeout. Sure it’s fourth-and-7, but in this situation you must go for it!

That’s what happens when your QB can’t complete a quarter of his passes.

Consummate NFL professionals — Brady, Ray Lewis, Clay Matthews, Hines Ward —

Ray Lewis murdered a guy and lied to the police about it. Hines Ward tries to give defenders concussions after the whistle. Professionalism!


Posted on January 5, 2012, in Douchebags, FJM Style, Gregg Easterbrook, NFL and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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