Category Archives: Douchebags

Ladies and Gentlemen, We’ve Found the Singularity

I like to work out, you know, for the ladies. Unfortunately, I live in the deepest recesses of suburbia, so my gym has TVs in the weight room. Even more unfortunately, due to the hour at which I choose to work out, some of those TVs are often showing ESPN’s First Take, a show which I can only assume is produced for the sole purpose of appealing to whatever it is meth addicted toddlers grow up to become. Anyways, today on First Take, professional yellers Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith were discussing Terrell Owens’ recent appearance on Dr. Phil,  and how it will affect his Hall of Fame chances. As far as I can tell, that conversation is the perfect storm of stupid. Let’s break it down: Bayless and Smith, two of the five WORST sports personalities in the history of sports going all the way back to the first time a caveman threw a rock; Dr. Phil, the Milwaukee’s Best of therapists; Terrell Owens, whose name I thought I would never have to see or hear again; and the NFL Hall of Fame, a place so stupid that it won’t let Cris Carter in already. Ladies and Gentlemen, we can stop looking, we’ve found the singularity. Luckily, the TV was muted and I had my iPod in for good measure so I didn’t have to hear any of the actual conversation, but I feel like my gym should be refunding part of my dues just for subjecting me to seeing it on the screen.

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Attention Whores Use Attention Whores to Attention Whore

I generally wake up on Monday and trawl in the intertoobz for silly stories which I can use to knock out a quick post to start the week. Make of that what you will, I find it’s helpful to pick some low hanging fruit to build a bit of momentum. It’s not like anyone reads this blog anyway. In any case, this morning I happened to find the lowest hanging of fruits: politicians complaining about TV. The Inception-esque quality of the attention whoring in this story is delicious:

The West Hollywood City Council wants Bravo’s reality series Shahs Of Sunset to change its ways and stop “perpetuating negative stereotypes about Iranian-Americans.” The pols used their jurisdiction to slam the Ryan Seacrest-produced series about Iranian-Americans living in Beverly Hills (think a milder, West Coast version of MTV”s Jersey Shore, with more money).

Attention whores attention whoring by complaining about other attention whores? BRAHM.

Side note, I think Deadline nailed it with their description of Shahs of Sunset. I can almost imagine the pitch meeting at Bravo:

“Hey, you know how the Jersey Shore is a big hit and all?”

“Yeah, but we can’t put a bunch of Italians in a beach house, it would be too transparent. Besides we’ve already got The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

“No problem, I’ve got the perfect solution: Persians. They’re swarthy and they like graphic tees, hair gel, and clubbing.”

“Genius! Bring on the hookers and coke!”

Fire Geraldo Rivera

I keep promising not to write about politics, but people in politics keep doing stupid things, so I’m forced to write about them. Le Sigh. Anyways, today, America’s favorite mustachioed news clown and failed vault opener Geraldo Rivera took to Fox News Latino, which is like the Doritos Locos Taco of Latin News to pen the single dumbest news column of our very dumb times. I could present it without comment, and then you (the two people who read this blog) would laugh, and then cry, but this is so FJM worthy that it’s hard to pass up…

 “Take that thing off,” I snarled at my dashing, dark, handsome then late-teenage son. Named for his grandfather, in those not so long ago days Cruz styled himself a ghetto gangster, fashion-wise. His baseball cap worn askew, the rim almost unbent, I worried that gravity would leave his brown behind, bare-assed when his low-slung pants completed their descent to his knees just a step or bump away.

Geraldo Rivera, romance novelist. Also, heard of belts, Gerry?

“And pick up your pants,” I often added as he walked out the door.

Bill Cosby demands his royalies.

Let me leave the issue of low-slung pants for another day; except to say that any kid who looks for a job similarly dressed is not seriously looking for a job, unless it is as a bank robber or pimp.

Robbing banks sometimes involves running, so baggy pants aren’t really practical there either, but I digress. Or you do, I can’t tell, get to the point.

Jay-ZEminem and the tiny handful of others aside, as President Obama wisely once said, “Maybe you’re the next Lil Wayne, but probably not.”

Not sure how this is relevant.

It was a refreshing moment when the leader of the political party that sometimes revels in victimization spoke the plain truth. Most success is not flashy. It requires heavy lifting and an education. It also demands personal responsibility because regardless of the bad hand poor folk are dealt; they must do the best they can to provide for themselves and their families.

Like Geraldo Rivera, who has failed upward for his entire career. Again, I don’t see what any of this has to do with Trayvon Martin being shot for being black and wanting Skittles.

Opinion: Does Race Play a Role in the Trayvon Martin Case Even if Zimmerman is Not White?

Not actually part of the column, but yes it does, because again, Trayvon Martin was black and he was shot for that reason — or I guess for looking suspicious, which is code for looking black.

Posing like a hip hop mogul when the holes in your pants are real is ultimately self-defeating.

Not when you’re in high school, and it gets you laid. I didn’t realize that 17 year olds should be interviewing for investment banking jobs.

But leave the subject of self-destructive pretense for another time, let’s talk hoodies.

Oooo, let’s. I personally like zip-ups. I have a personal favorite that zips up all that way around the hood. Sometimes when I’m out drinking I’ll zip the hood over my face and make ghost sounds. I’m super popular if you can’t tell.

His hoodie killed Trayvon Martin as surely as George Zimmerman did.

Not unless his hoodie pulled out a gun and shot him.

Remember when my friend and colleague the estimable Juan Williams got fired from NPR for saying that Muslims formally garbed freaked him out at airports? Juan is among America’s sharpest commentators. He wasn’t justifying his reaction, he was copping to it.

Juan Williams also never shot a Muslim who looked suspicious and then got away with it. Also, what Juan said was pretty racist.

Maybe shock therapy or a semester of sensitivity training could change it, otherwise It is what it is.

Of course everyone is entitled to their prejudices, they’re not entitled to shoot people because of them.

No one black, brown or white can honestly tell me that seeing a kid of color with a hood pulled over his head doesn’t generate a certain reaction, sometimes scorn, often menace.

I can. Nice projection there, Geraldo.

When you see that kid coming your way, unless you specifically recognize him you are thinking ghetto or ghetto wannabe high-style or low-brow wise-ass. Pedestrians cross the street to avoid black or brown hoodie wearers coming their way.

Really? I’ve gotta start wearing hoodies more. Also, again, crossing the street because you’re a pissant racist isn’t the same as shooting an innocent teenager. Just pointing that out for the logically impaired.

Because this is a teachable moment let me speak plainly.

Oh, please do, I’ve had enough of your subtly veiled hate-mongering.

Whatever Reverends Sharpton and Jackson say in Florida Friday, after listening to the 911 tapes and hearing the witness’ testimonials, I believe Trayvon Martin would be alive today but for his hoodie.

Funny, because after listening to those same tapes and witnesses, I believe Trayvon Martin would be alive if George Zimmerman hadn’t  followed him — against police advice — and shot him, with a gun.

I want the feds to thoroughly investigate and prosecute vigorously if the evidence warrants. But understanding the wrath currently focused on George Zimmerman and the police chief and the town council and the gun sellers and everyone else, I am begging parents of kids in Trayvon’s vulnerable demographic to heed my politically incorrect approach to this story.

Kids, please don’t listen to Geraldo Rivera.

If you dress like a hoodlum eventually some schmuck is going to take you at your word.

Wearing a hoodie is not, “dressing like a hoodlum.”

Remember Elvis’ ‘In the ghetto’? or that old Johnny Cash song about not taking ‘your guns to town son, leave your guns at home Bill, don’t take your guns to town?’

Wonderful advice for people like George Zimmerman. All Trayvon Martin had on him was a bag of Skittles and some Arizona Iced Tea.

The kid in the both songs dies in totally predictable gun fights. Trayvon was unarmed save his box of skittles. But his hoodie gave his assailant cause to think him the enemy.

No, for the millionth time, it didn’t. The only things that gave George Zimmerman that cause were his own racism and vigilante complex. Oh and also, Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law.

Maybe his specific encounter with an over-zealous, gun-toting, blood-lusting neighborhood-watch captain was less predictable than usual, but not by much.

It always astonishes me the way morons can look at information and draw the absolute wrong conclusions from it. This type of situation may be all too common, but it isn’t because of magical hoodies that force neighborhood watch vigilantes to shoot unarmed black kids. If every black kid in America wore a suit all the time, Trayvon Martin would still be dead, because the clothes people wear don’t make racists less racist.

Feds To Investigate Killing of Black Teen by Florida Latino

Also not part of the column, but I love the way that this is already being spun by outlets like Fox as a case of dirty minorities shooting each other. You know, like minorities always do. I feel like puking.

I am begging parents to unbait the trap. Don’t let your child provoke madness. Agonize all you want about the unfairness of stereotypes. Argue how it amounts to a million, million little cuts of racial profiling. Work to change the world. Rail against the inequities of life; but don’t let your child go out into the hard cruel world wearing a costume that is really a sign that says ‘shoot me.’

And while you’re at it, just bleach their skin, that’ll probably help more than changing their clothing.

‘And as his mama cries,’ sang Elvis.

Yeah, just like Trayvon Martin’s family is crying right now.

In all seriousness, it’s fun to tear apart idiots like Geraldo, because they’re low hanging fruit. What’s really sad is that a large portion of the American populace probably read this nonsense and nodded right along. Just to be clear, here’s why Trayvon Martin is dead. A vigilante wanna-be saw him walking home from 7-11, realized he was black and decided that he must be up to no good, because everyone knows that Skittles are the first sign that dusky folks are up to no good. Said neighborhood watch moron called the police, which is his right to do, but then pursued Trayvon — who was clearly terrified at this point — after the police told him not to. Then he shot the poor kid to death. After all this, the police let George Zimmerman go without so much as a breathalizer, because hey, the kid was black and “Stand Your Ground” is the law of the land in Florida. Geraldo Rivera’s solution to this type of systematic malfeasance? Stop wearing hoodies, dark people. This is your public discourse, America. Cherish it.

Watch Gregg Easterbrook Spend Over 500 Words Making a Non Argument

I didn’t write a Gregg Easterbrooking last week, mostly because I was busy, but also because it was Gregg’s annual All-Unwanted Issue, which was just too much Easterbrook for even me to handle. But in any case, I’m back this week to poke fun at Gregg’s self-righteous dipshitery. Read on, intrepid internet explorers!

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A Very Gregg Easterbrook Christmas to You Too

I have to start by apologizing for running my weekly mocking of the Tuesday Gregg Easterbrook Garbage Pile of Irrelevant Facts, Half Baked Theories, and NOT FOOTBALL, but I’ve been busy spending the last few days in a light alcoholic bliss. But eventually I figured that I do have to pay some attention to writing this blog so here we are…

When we last left self-righteous white person Gregg Easterbrook, he was busy explaining how sucking for three quarters and then playing competently was actually a GENIUS tactical move on the part of the Broncos. He also probably said some stuff about space or denied climate change, I don’t know, a man can only take so much abuse.

So what’s on tap for this week? A very special Christmas themed column! As always Hanukkah will not be mentioned, since as we all know, Gregg is a raging anti-semite (just a guess here). Read on, if you have the stomach for it…

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Annoying God Botherers Protest Howard Stern’s Appointment to the Prestigious Position of “America’s Got Talent” Judge

America’s Got Talent is the 9000th most watched talent competition on TV today, but that hasn’t stopped professional morality scolds the Parents Television Council from protesting the addition of Howard Stern to the show’s panel of judges, which is currently comprised of Piers Morgan, Sharon Osborne, and Howie Mandel, winning! (Shut up, I’m bringing it back) Never mind the fact that Stern, despite his lewdness, has lead a fairly clean personal life, and that the man he’s replacing, Morgan, is the most egregious type of establishment hack (Alex Pareene does a better takedown than I could  imagine); Howard said some naughty things on a radio show meant for adults and thus he must never be allowed near a show that children might watch. For his part, Stern has done a good job defending himself:

Stern in the past brought up the fact that original judge David Hasselhoff had bouts with the bottle — remember that widely circulated cheeseburger video –and nobody raised an eyebrow when he judged talent on the show. Off the air, Stern has led a squeaky clean life.

Word. I’m not a huge Howard Stern fan — I prefer to look at boobies rather than hear about them on the radio — but the man is an excellent broadcaster and honestly you could replace Piers Morgan with Fran Drescher (if you don’t remember, look it up) and it would be an upgrade. Honestly, if your weenie kid watches America’s Got Talent, you’ve got bigger problems than the possibility of said dork hearing Howard Stern say a naughty word.

Gregg Easterbrook Totally Gets the Whole Tim Tebow Thing

When we last left obnoxious windbag Greggggg Easterbrook he was busy explaining the Packers’ dominance to the most feeble minded of us. Five Tight Ends! Aaron Rodgers’ beautiful blue eyes! Other things that are irrelevant! He also probably complained about plot holes in Terra Nova or the space program or something, I honestly stop reading about halfway through the column. Go somewhere else if you want actual effort.

So how could Gregg possibly top last weeks’ idiocy? He’s back with more about Tim Tebow! Read on if you dare (or care)…

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Gregg Easterbrook Explains the Packers

When we last left over-smug connoisseur of his own farts Gregg Easterbrook he was explaining how Tim Tebow wins football games (Jesus and high school!).

So what’s on tap for this week? Gregg is here to explain the Packers success to all of you morons out there. I bet it has something to do with the discount double check! *throws out hip trying to do championship belt celebration* Read on if you feel like it.

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Dear Morons, No One Wants Brett Favre So Kindly Shut Up

Dear Sportswriters of America,

I guess I should be somewhat thankful that you made it this far into the football season with minimal Brett Favre specualtion, but really I’m not. In the past couple of weeks there have been a rash of quarterback injuries in the NFL. Teams within reach of playoff contention such as the Chiefs, Bears, and Texans have all lost their starters and are stuck playing crappy backup quarterbacks like Tyler Palko and Caleb Hanie, who has the least inspiring name for a quarterback ever. This of course has lead a number of you — led by Mike Florio, who I imagine masturbates feverishly to the Favre fathead in his basement — to baselessly speculate that said teams are interested in the services of the aforementioned Favre. Of course, these teams have all shot down that speculation for one obvious reason. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE BRETT FAVRE PLAY FOOTBALL EVER AGAIN.

Brett Favre WAS a great quarterback, he IS also a narcissistic sociopath who we’ve finally been able to get rid of after three long years of you buttplugs catering to his every whim. Teams don’t want him because at his best these days, with a full off-season to learn an offense, he still throws a bajillion interceptions and then blames other people for his failings (he’s just like a kid out there! a whiny entitled brat). Please, for the love of all that is holy, go back to doing your jobs (which you do poorly, but that’s neither here nor there) and bring me some ACTUAL NEWS, i.e. not something you thought of while sitting on the crapper.

Sincerely,

A Sports Fan

Gregg Easterbrook Definitely Got Picked On in High School

When we last left preachy pile of garbage Gregg Easterbrook… he was taking a week off for Thanksgiving. Why couldn’t he just stay gone?

Unfortunately, Gregg is back this week, and he’s here to explain the Broncos’ winning streak to all you simpletons out there. No it doesn’t have anything to do with weak competition, luck, or even an act of God (who apparently is both Tim Tebow’s father and his wife). It’s because they run a high school offense! Read on and marvel in the stupidity.

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