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Oh, Goddamn it, Michael Bay

Hey, there movie fan who grew up in the 90s, want to see something that will make you really mad? Turns out Michael Bay is making a Ninja Turtles movie and well, I’ll let him explain:

“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.”

GUH. Michael Bay is the worst. I generally don’t wish bodily harm on people, but I hope Michael Bay gets hit by a truck, preferably one painted with flames. Lord knows he’d deserve it for the way he’s planning to rape my childhood. All I know is that when, 2 years from now, my 7-year old nephew tries to explain the origins of the Ninja Turtles to me, a little part of my soul will die.

[via Filmdrunk]

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Just a Reminder that ‘Battleship’ is Still a Movie

Peter Berg has done some great work in the past (Friday Night Lights), in fact he’s doing some great work right now with HBO’s On Freddy Roach (watch it). That said, his latest film project, Battleship, looks like a steaming pile of garbage. In case you’re skeptical, here’s a new trailer:

GUH. This will probably make more money than John Carter because at least people have some idea what it’s about, but I still don’t see what this has to do with the board game. My only hope is that it doesn’t kill Brooklyn Decker’s new film career, because she’s pretty.

(via)

Surprise, Surprise, People Don’t Like Crappy Movies

Does anyone know what Disney’s John Carter is supposed to be about? I’ve seen a couple trailers and I certainly have no idea. Semi-related question: does anyone care? Apparently not:

Hollywood is in a tizzy over the early tracking which just came online this morning for Walt Disney Studios‘ John Carter opening March 9th. “Not good. 2 unaided, 53 aware, 27 definitely interested, 3 first choice,” a senior exec at a rival studio emails me. Another writes me, ”It just came out. Women of all ages have flat out rejected the film. The tracking for John Carter is shocking for a film that cost over $250 million. This could be the biggest writeoff of all time.” I’m hearing figures in the neighborhood of $100 million. And the studio isn’t even trying to spin reports of the 3D pic’s bloated budget any more.

Who knew that showing a bunch of incoherent images from your movie wasn’t an effective marketing strategy? Maybe this will convince studios to stop spending millions of dollars making 3D poop-smears?

Now, to be fair, this very soft tracking has been expected. The studios’ private reports have shown for some time very soft awareness and very little wannasee. So what’s Disney’s explanation? “It’s the last leftover from the previous regime of Dick Cook,” an executive who works for successor Rich Ross reminds me. “We’re not running away from the movie. Our job is to sell it.”

“I’m not running away from this, but it’s totally someone else’s fault that it sucks.”

Here’s some helpful advice: instead of making and trying to sell the movies that your predecessor — who you clearly don’t think very highly of — left you with, just kill the project. That way you don’t have to take a $100 MM write-off.

Weekend Preview: Dreamworks Face

Here’s your weekend preview, degenerates:

Movies

The Rum Diary: An adaptation of the novel Hunter S. Thompson wrote as a 22 year old.

Rotten Tomatoes: 51%

Uninformed Commentary: Like many other self-styled creative types of my generation I have a huge hard-on for Hunter S. Thompson. I honestly don’t give a f*ck what critics think (SUCK IT H8rs!) . The Rum Diary isn’t so much a great narrative as a great exploration of voice and style in modern writing so I can see why a bunch of stodgy old people reviewing movies (who probably didn’t take the time to read the book) wouldn’t get it. I still think this movie is going to be awesome.

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Dear Farrelly Brothers, Leave My Childhood Alone

The Farrelly brothers made a couple of funny movies in the 90s, then proceeded to make lazy comedic dungpiles for the next decade, starting with Fever Pitch. That’s why I’m less than thrilled that fresh off ruining the Three Stooges the Farrelly’s are now looking to make a Dumb and Dumber sequel (not Dumb and Dumberer?)

EXCLUSIVE: Now that they have wrapped their dream project The Three Stooges after a decade of trying, Peter and Bobby Farrelly are moving forward with another project they’ve long wanted to do: a second installment of the New Line 1994 hit Dumb and Dumber. The intention is to bring back Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels as Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne, the lovable dimwitted pals with big hearts and small brains. Sean Anders and John Morris have been hired to write the script. They co-wrote the Anders-directed Sex Drive and just co-directed the Adam Sandler comedy I Hate You Dad. The hope is for the Farrelly Brothers to direct this next.

Dumb and Dumber is by my estimation the greatest comedy of all time, so just leave it alone okay? You assh*les aren’t funny anymore so stop ruining my childhood.

Weekend Preview: Woof

Welcome to fall, where movies stop trying to be even remotely interesting. Let’s take a look at what you will (or won’t) be watching this weekend.

Movies

Paranormal Activity 3: You already know what this is about.

Rotten Tomatoes: 76%

Uninformed Commentary: Was it really necessary to make another Paranormal Activity? The first one was barely scary and found footage stopped being a novel idea after The Blair Witch Project. Critics like this for whatever reason, but I’m just going to assume that it sucks and stay away. The fact that it’s directed by the same people as Catfish which had the least shocking shock ending in movie history isn’t making me any more interested.

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Of Course There’s a Captain Underpants Movie

What happens when an industry runs out of ideas? A Captain Underpants movie of course!

After a spirited auction, DreamWorks Animation has acquired rights to make a feature out of Captain Underpants, the popular 8-volume book series by Dav Pilkey. DreamWorks Animation wasn’t the only bidder,  but won the title this morning.

The books revolve around a couple of precocious fourth graders named George Beard and Harold Hutchins. Looking to get back at nasty, student-hating principal Mr. Benny Krupp, the boys hypnotize the principal and cause him to become Captain Underpants. He’s a superhero who is nice and helpful to children and manages to get into all kinds of misadventures with the fourth graders shadowing him to make sure he doesn’t get hurt. The principal has no recollection of his heroics when he returns to normal. Pikey has completed eight volumes with a ninth in the works, Captain Underpants and the Terrifying Return of Tippy Tinkletrousers. Scholastic publishes the books.

How much acid do you have to take to come up with that premise? Also, where were these books when I was in second grade? In all seriousness, although I’ve never read a Captain Underpants book, this actually doesn’t sound like a terrible idea for a kids movie. Still, it’s Dream Works so they’ll probably ruin it by putting Dream Works face everywhere.

‘Micronauts’ Movie? Why the Hell Not?!

Does anyone have any idea what in the hell “Micronauts” are? Because I have no idea. That apparently is not enough to stop Paramount from making a movie about them, produced by JJ Abrams:

Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese are getting the job turning the Hasbro toyline Micronauts into a feature film for JJ Abrams and Paramount Pictures. Along with the prospect of another Transformers film, Micronauts was one of the Hasbro brands mentioned as a priority project in a third quarter earnings conference call for investors today by Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner. Paramount recently made a deal with Hasbro for the property, to be produced by Bad Robot’s Abrams and Bryan Burk and Hasbro’s Goldner and Bennett Schneir.

WOOOOOOO, more movies about toys!!! You’d think after the cinematic abortions that were Transformers, GI Joe, and the upcoming craptastic Battleship, these idiots (and the idiots who spend their hard earned cash to watch these movies) would have realized that movies about toys inevitably suck monkey nuts, but no. At least we’d heard of the aforementioned toy lines, but I defy anyone to tell me what Micronauts are without looking it up on Wikipedia. And if you did know, then congratulations on making it to adulthood a virgin.

Micronauts, starring Alex Pettyfer, Sienna Miller, and Cam Giganet, comes to a theater near you July 2014 or something; whatever you’ll watch it. Rated Arg for pirates f*ck you!

 

Weekend Recap: Everyone Still Loves Boxing Robots

This weekend’s slate of new movies featured two remakes of 80s classics, the new Footloose (*barf*) and The Thing (a remake re-packaged as a prequel, *fart*) so its really not surprising that Hugh Jackman’s robot-boxing movie Real Steel remained the box office’s top earner for the second week in a row. Steel has now earned a cumulative $51.7MM, which is nice, but less than impressive given the film’s high cost of production.

As for Footloose and The Thing, they earned $15.5MM and $8.5MM, respectively, not exactly setting the world on fire. Maybe these kinds of disappointing numbers will be the impetus that movie studios need to reevaluate their decision making processes, stop making pointless remakes and re-boots and spending mega-bucks on stupid movies about robots punching each other. Just think about how much more coke and hookers you could have if your movies actually made money; movie moguls of America. Oh, who am I kidding…

By the way, in case you were wondering, The Big Year earned $3.2MM, good for 8th. This is probably because everyone realized about five years ago that Jack Black is more annoying than funny and no one wants to see a movie about bird watching. No, really, look it up, bird watching ranks about 5000th on the list of things the American public is interested in, somewhere between exercise and evolution.

Weekend Preview: Welcome Back to the 80s

This week’s new films feature remakes of a couple of 80s classics

Movies

Footloose: You already know what this is about…

Rotten Tomatoes: 73%

Uninformed Commentary: I think this looks just as stupid as the original Footloose. It’s times like these when I’m almost glad that I don’t have a girlfriend to drag me to see movies I don’t want to see, but then I remember that I haven’t had any female attention in months and I’m sad again.

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