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Oh, Goddamn it, Michael Bay

Hey, there movie fan who grew up in the 90s, want to see something that will make you really mad? Turns out Michael Bay is making a Ninja Turtles movie and well, I’ll let him explain:

“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.”

GUH. Michael Bay is the worst. I generally don’t wish bodily harm on people, but I hope Michael Bay gets hit by a truck, preferably one painted with flames. Lord knows he’d deserve it for the way he’s planning to rape my childhood. All I know is that when, 2 years from now, my 7-year old nephew tries to explain the origins of the Ninja Turtles to me, a little part of my soul will die.

[via Filmdrunk]

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No More ‘Ouija’ Board Movie? How Will We Ever Go On??

Bad news for people who like movies about board games, which means no one. Remember that Ouija movie that Michael Bay and McG were going to make? Yeah, me either, but apparently they’re not making it anymore. I’m assuming this is because someone at Universal actually looked at their list of projects in production, then watched the trailer for Battleship and decided that making a movie about another board game wasn’t such a great idea.

Universal has dropped another board-game film adaptation from its groundbreaking six-year exclusive pact with Hasbro, sending Ouija into turnaround to join previous projectsClueMonopoly and Magic, The Gathering. The Ouija film — which has McG attached to direct and Platinum Dunes partners Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form producing with Ian Bryce and Hasbro’s Brian Goldner and Bennett Schneir — will most likely be set up elsewhere, as will Clue, which is funded by Hasbro and is being produced by director Gore Verbinski’s Blind Wink shingle (see Universal Drops ‘Clue’; Gore Verbinksi Moves Forward With Hasbro Cash And New Writers). For Universal, the move is purely economics:Ouija is budgeted at north of $100 million and the studio has OblivionR.I.P.D.,47 RoninSafe House and Battleship — all big-ticket movies — already in its lineup.

Wait, Ouija, a movie about a board that sends you letter-by-letter messages from the dead, had a $100MM budget? Do they pay $1MM for every minute it takes the board to form a sentence? Also, a Magic: The Gathering Movie? Have we really sunk so low? Speaking of which, I had a bunch of Magic cards when I was in 3rd grade, those might be worth something now…

*is unemployed. frantically searches mom’s basement. regrets life decisions.